Way I think of this is, if I told someone off for being a racist at the get go, then they would know not to be racist around me. But I really want to get to know this person and for them to be who they are around me, so it means something when I tell them off. Keep enemies close.
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I disagree: social sanction is a strong check on behaviour. If I let someone know I will not tolerate racist speech or actions around me, I make that person's scope of action smaller, I prompt a tiny bit of shame and self-censorship, and that's a win.
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Of course! It's an awesome tool. I was thinking more, I came from left university analysis paralysis and moved to working class jobs and signalling early with a social sanction would have meant not uncovering the other shit they though acceptable. Examples: right now...
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... I am interacting with a guy on a boat I sail on who is pretty overtly sexist who I sense must have a history of domestic violence... but it's a hunch right now, the crew are all in agreement on this guys sexism, and I am not sure if sanction is the way, or confession.
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So this example is not an abstract one to me: I am a woman, and overt sexism and violence against women has a deep and daily impact on my capacity to act and even exist in the world. I don't think that behaviour needs witnessing; it need stopping. It has to start with men.
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Of course! I am saying "when to call out and when to keep listening" is a line to walk, I have for instance a history of consistently calling out sexism and racism as I saw it almost instantly. I think doing so in many cases meant they continued, there exists a reaction that ...
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... handles that already. It's not like racism or sexism is unsophisticated. It can handle being called out on being sexist a lot of the time.
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BTW somethings are invisible to those with privilege etc., so I'll say it without beating around: right now — literally in this thread — Aimée and I in solidarity with others are doing a very soft version of what we ideally would like you to do to help us.
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We are basically politely labelling your tactics as coming off as not ideal. Calling your space a spade.
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We're not trying to befriend you and lull you into feeling safe and telling us more — we're literally saying "no mate this tactic you are using sounds off".
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For all I know, this tactic might be good (for white men like you?) BTW! You haven't actually explained it in a cohesive and coherent way.
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