not the WORST mom  

@nottheworstmom

Sometimes I miss being pregnant, but then I remember I didn't like high school that much.

Vegas  
Joined March 2009

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  1. Pinned Tweet

    *RSVP’ing to Christmas party* Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate? Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

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  2. I don’t worry about my weight because you can kiss my ass regardless of its size.

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  3. Get your kids to clean out your car for you by saying they can keep any change they find.

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  4. Nothing is more hysterical than the suggested serving size for chips.

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  5. Jan 3

    Going through tweets on marriage and see a familiar face in

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  6. 27 Dec 2018

    Parents: *yelling* STOP YELLING AT EACH OTHER!!!

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  7. 28 Dec 2018

    A runner friend of mine explained what carb loading was, and I just realized that I’ve basically been preparing for a marathon for decades.

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  8. Don’t worry about whether or not a girl’s thighs touch. Just worry about whether or not they’ll touch you.

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  9. You show me a person who hates rap music and I'll show you a person who loves country music

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  10. Person: happy Friday Eve! Me: get the fuck away from me

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  11. Jan 3

    Wow, you people who stay hydrated really pee this much?

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  12. Jan 2

    Ever have that moment when you think you're really funny and then...well maybe not at all? Good cause neither do I 😂

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  13. Jan 1

    My two favorite accounts have me muted. This must be what it feels like to be ugly.

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  14. Jan 2

    professor x: what’s your power? me: i can stimulate the hair growth of anyone around me cyclops: that’s dumb we don’t need- professor x: shut the fuck up scott

    Show this thread
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  15. Talking to your teenager is a lot like playing Russian roulette but much scarier with potentially worse outcomes.

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  16. Jan 2

    I’m two eyebrows away from being exactly like .

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  17. Dec 31

    you know you made the huffington post? for your Sharpie lip post.

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  18. 17 Apr 2018

    My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E. Cheese is only open once a year.

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  19. New year, new me.

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  20. My New Year’s resolution is to hopefully eye roll myself into a coma by mid January

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  21. 27 Dec 2018

    Having kids is perfect for people who don’t like silence.

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