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*RSVP’ing to Christmas party* Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate? Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
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I don’t worry about my weight because you can kiss my ass regardless of its size.
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Get your kids to clean out your car for you by saying they can keep any change they find.
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Nothing is more hysterical than the suggested serving size for chips.
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not the WORST mom Retweeted
Going through tweets on marriage and see a familiar face in
@nottheworstmompic.twitter.com/9i2OiXpVXN
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not the WORST mom Retweeted
Parents: *yelling* STOP YELLING AT EACH OTHER!!!
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not the WORST mom Retweeted
A runner friend of mine explained what carb loading was, and I just realized that I’ve basically been preparing for a marathon for decades.
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Don’t worry about whether or not a girl’s thighs touch. Just worry about whether or not they’ll touch you.
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not the WORST mom Retweeted
You show me a person who hates rap music and I'll show you a person who loves country music
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Person: happy Friday Eve! Me: get the fuck away from me
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not the WORST mom Retweeted
Wow, you people who stay hydrated really pee this much?
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not the WORST mom Retweeted
Ever have that moment when you think you're really funny and then...well maybe not at all? Good cause neither do I
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not the WORST mom Retweeted
My two favorite accounts have me muted. This must be what it feels like to be ugly.
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not the WORST mom Retweeted
professor x: what’s your power? me: i can stimulate the hair growth of anyone around me cyclops: that’s dumb we don’t need- professor x: shut the fuck up scott
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not the WORST mom Retweeted
Talking to your teenager is a lot like playing Russian roulette but much scarier with potentially worse outcomes.
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not the WORST mom Retweeted
I’m two eyebrows away from being exactly like
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not the WORST mom Retweeted
@nottheworstmom you know you made the huffington post? https://apple.news/AXlLLc2W6Sey5mPkGB5CMGA … for your Sharpie lip post.Thanks. Twitter will use this info to make your timeline better. UndoUndo -
not the WORST mom Retweeted
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E. Cheese is only open once a year.
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not the WORST mom Retweeted
My New Year’s resolution is to hopefully eye roll myself into a coma by mid January
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not the WORST mom Retweeted
Having kids is perfect for people who don’t like silence.
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