NotMarkFlynn

@notmarkflynn

Someone once told me I dance like I know I'm not going to get laid. I only follow the third rule of Fight Club.

Rockaway Park, Queens
Joined January 2013
43 Photos and videos Photos and videos

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  1. May 31

    I just got headbutted by a beagle, which is a good lesson on waiting for the dog to calm down before you try to hug him.

    1 like
  2. Retweeted
    May 18

    *tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden's office in an entirely different prison* aw come ON

    5 replies 151 retweets 671 likes
  3. Retweeted
    May 19

    God damn, Netflix will give ANYONE a standup special!

    50 replies 1,673 retweets 7,486 likes
  4. Retweeted
    29 Oct 2016

    Pal: I borrowed one of your books and now I just can't put it down. Me: Which one? P: Old Yeller. M:*gets shotgun* I'll do it. It's my book.

    3 replies 106 retweets 147 likes
  5. May 20

    Why do people name their dogs Sarge? Why would you want your dog to outrank you?

  6. May 14

    If Narcan is free to addicts because they're addicts, then why don't I complain about another issue to invalidate the struggles of others?

  7. Apr 26
    Replying to

    The burning of the sled, the phylactery for his soul, prevented his reincarnation as a lich.

  8. Apr 26

    Headcannon for Citizen Kane: his last words were actually "Robes, blood" as visions of the Hell he would soon occupy had flooded his mind.

    1 reply
  9. Retweeted
    Apr 18

    67 replies 8,309 retweets 19,512 likes
  10. Apr 19

    I was at the bus stop on 116th for like an hour, if I smell like Newports and despair, the Newports aren't my fault.

  11. Mar 30

    I just told a rice cake "it's RICE to EAT you" and I think that's why I'm alone.

    1 like
  12. Mar 15

    To be fair Snoop Dogg only shot Clown Trump in self defense. Was obviously trying to roll on Snoop. Sad!

    1 like
  13. Retweeted
    Mar 1

    TRUMP: America needs to set its own path, not just follow China "What's your first policy objective?" TRUMP: Build a great wall

    2 replies 31 retweets 68 likes
  14. Retweeted
    4 Oct 2016

    Donald Trump doing his famous impression of what a queef sounds like:

    16 replies 234 retweets 565 likes
  15. Retweeted
    Mar 1

    "Thank you for updating iTunes. During your update, eleven more updates were released. Would you like to update iTunes?"

    3 replies 55 retweets 190 likes
  16. Retweeted
    Mar 1

    As a white man, it's exciting to learn I can now become presidential material simply by not visibly shitting myself while giving a speech.

    9 replies 45 retweets 157 likes
  17. Retweeted
    Mar 1

    I'm going to risk it all and bet $5 at this black jack table...

    5 retweets 14 likes
  18. Retweeted
    Jan 16

    Every single person who has ever walked on the moon has died. We must find a cure for the moon before it kills again.

    104 replies 1,507 retweets 3,119 likes
  19. Retweeted
    Feb 27

    Trip and Fall. Friend: Did it hurt? Me: Not really but yeah my crush saw me kissing the ground and THAT HURTS MORE THAN ANYTHING.

    10 retweets 17 likes
  20. Mar 1

    "Manic Pixie Dream Girl" is an unrealistic archetype, but I can assure that "Depressed Troll Nightmare Boy" is totally a real thing.

    2 likes

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