Nihilist Arby's

If you’re bummed about not spending this holiday with your elderly loved ones look at the bright side: soon they’ll be dead. Not long after that, you will too and the world will roll on like none of you ever existed. This thanksgiving, please enjoy Arby’s

Remember that here on election night (very heated!), on an infinite timeline, your life is not even a blip. You’re already dead. Your concerns mean nothing no matter who kills you. Please enjoy Arby’s

Are you there, no one? It’s me, faceless drone Remember, you’re not alone: All our dreams die tomorrow regardless of who we are or what we believe, as there is no good and there is no justice. There is only the sweet warm embrace of death. Please continue to enjoy Arby’s

Happy Halloween. As you enjoy dressing up and pretending that you’re not terrified of your impending doomed eternity as an actual skeleton, remember it’s not like anyone cares that you’re alive now so it’s kind of a lateral move. Trick or trEat Arby’s

With all this horror and chaos and uncertainty swirling around us these days it’s important to remember that you’re an irrelevant speck of temporary sentience who will die no matter what happens. Please continue to enjoy Arby’s

Tonight as two impossibly wealthy and senile old men argue on a global stage for absolutely no reason at all, remember: you, personally, will die alone and penniless and no one will visit your grave, much less bring flowers Please continue enjoying Arby’s

Whether you die at the hands of violent paramilitary cops, in the wildfires, of Covid or just from a little good old fashioned night of too much gin and speed, remember: nobody cares and very soon no one will remember you were ever even alive. Eat Arby’s

In honor of our brave fallen buildings, why not fly into an Arby’s and wage an endless war on your hunger with our 9 for 11 beef and cheddar special Arby’s: never forget the horsey sauce

Hey kids! Wanna kill that nagging feeling of being deathly afraid of everything right now? We gotchu Arbys is proud to announce a limited time offer. Derek is gonna be selling his grandma’s Oxys out by the dumpsters 9-4 every day until she dies Please continue to eat Arby’s

Whether you’re crying about having to wear a mask in a store, stuck inside hiding bc you’re terrified of any number of things, out on the street shooting off illegal fireworks or just simply being murdered by the pigs, please remember, America is a country that exists Eat Arby’s

Why did you buy all that toilet paper if you’re not even coming to Arby’s? Please enjoy Arby’s

In these troubling times, let’s not forget that what’s important is that Arby’s technically owns no slaves. Please continue to eat Arby’s.

Hi everyone. How’s the week going? Pls enjoy burning the arbys.

It’s day 69 of quarantine so you know what that means! That’s right. Time to stand a corpse length away from your dying loved one as they drown in their own lungs for the sake of a perverse intended mutual satisfaction that neither of you actually enjoy. Eat Arby’s

This Mother’s Day remember, as much as you may be disappointed in yourself for being such an irrelevant entropic tangle of neuroses and perversions, your mother is vastly more disappointed in you Enjoy Arby’s

This may the 4th as the world dies all around you and you take solace in pretending that liking the biggest entertainment property in the history of humanity makes you interesting somehow, remember, this existence is like rogue one: everyone dies at the end Enjoy Arby’s

You can only choose one: Utter Fucking Meaninglessness Enjoy Arby’s

All the old people are bummed that we can’t all do easter together, but the bright side is they’ll all be dead soon and we won’t have to pretend to care about their bullshit anymore. And unlike Jesus, they won’t come back. This easter, Enjoy Arby’s

Hey kids! It’s the weekend, know what that means? That’s right: it’s time to huddle in your house in a state of perpetual fear in your filthy pajamas and watch the few precious cents you’ve managed to save evaporate as the world dies around you beneath a godless sky Eat Arby’s

Come on down to arbys where we’re serving up the only truth that matters: all of us are doomed and nobody cares at all. Enjoy Arby’s.