Carmen-Maria Nechita

[therapy] DOCTOR: Our tests indicate you don't take criticism very well ME: Well those sound like pretty stupid tests don't they

[concert] SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight CROWD: woo ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's actually been a tough few months

*scab forms* Body: I've formed this protective seal so the wound can heal. Brain: Hands, destroy it immediately.

*my dog whimpers in her sleep* omg so cute *husband breathes in his sleep* SHUT THE FUCK UP

SON: When I grow up, I wanna go to the moon. DAD: Unless they open a McDonald's there for you to work at, you're not going to the moon.

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

ME: I need help losing weight. I've tried everything. NARRATOR: He hadn't tried anything at all. Nothing.

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to be a door to door salesman for us? ME: [thinkin of all the dogs I'll get to pet] I believe in your product.

One hamburger please CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here Oh *leaves* *comes back wearing a chicken costume* One hamburger please

I’m supposed to love my neighbor the way I love myself, so now I compulsively overfeed her and lie awake at night fearing she’s worthless

BOSS: Why aren't these documents attached together? ME: Sorry I couldn't find my...[suddenly forgets the word stapler]...desk crocodile

[Shipwreck diary] Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well. Day 2: I am out of food.

ME: [swallowing 8th spider] Finally. I'm safe for another year.

You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If "mom" is even your real name... [Neighbor to mom] hi Susan! *kid faints*

A quick summary of Donald Trump's first 100 days: Trump: I want do this thing Judge: No

CRIME SCENE me: four dots in his neck, i suspect two vampires british officer: what about that bloody fork me: this is no time to eat sir

Porn is so unbelievable! Over 40 minutes long and neither one checked their phone.

Eating cookies for dinner. Other then declining health, mind numbing stress, and consistent disappointment; being an adult is pretty cool!