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1. don't squash grass-roots curiosity. if anything pops up and feels compelling, follow it 2. don't *force* myself to do things. ditch obligations to previous selves visions if it feels right 3. don't let hype/status/cool/approval drive my interest
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growing up boredom was a HUGE enemy. i feared that maybe one day i'd run out of ways to not be bored and that life would be continual misery aggresively bouncing around chaotically has given me a gut appreciation that this can't happen
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For me, boredom has always been fairly linked to feelings of despair and feeling trapped. twitter.com/natural_hazard
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i've also got a lot more faith in my curiosity. i used to be a lot more derisive of my curiosity/taste/interests because of the shame from lots of boom/bust hype-status cycles of interest
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nowadays I "want dumb things less" pattern: something sparks genuine excitement -> begin to attach to the impressive/legible aspect of the thing -> get excited about how cool everyone would think i am if I did it -> dive in, quickly diverge from spark of interest
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not *forcing* myself has helped deescalate those. it also gave me a hook to *notice* it at all previously, when an inkling of "i don't actually care about this" popped up, it was quickly steam rolled. it would grow, and disinterest would fight with "DO IT" and then collapse
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sooooooooooooooooo "don't force yourself and do what you feel like" is probably the most common gloss of non-coercive ideas. and it's more or less what i was doing. and a huge reason that was possible is BECAUSE I HAD SLACK IN MY LIFE
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slack came from -having previously spent a year hyper charging my execution ability -dropping classes and quitting being a TA -having scholarship that meant i didn't need a parttime job -switching majors to something that ate up less time than cs
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for a year in university, every sunday i would block out my calender for the rest of the week it looked like this. then i'd execute, and everything would more or less go according to plan 🤯
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so what's different now a days? i think I've had a shift in my understanding of the details of "to resolve conflict you must get stronger" this attitude started a year ago when i was like "welp. i'm graduating and need an actual job"
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what i noticed last week was that i've gotten good at spotting resistance, but I haven't changed much in *interrogating* resistance i'm also seeing how this is SO GOD DAMN IMPORTANT because this resistance is the main medium that trauma has to steer me
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this is crazy important. expand when i first began practicing experiencing my emotions/wants/desires more fully, so much pain/resistance/bleh would drop upon just being aware of it "oh, i'm aarushi said something that hurt my feelings earlier" boom
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since i was committed to not forcing, and it wasn't resolving, i'd switch. I didn't *need* dig deeper. since i've gotten better at not being in misaligned hype cycles, most of the resistance i encounter now comes from other sources
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for a long stretch, "futures that feel alive" wasn't much of a driving force for me, because i'd become aware of how all of my explicit "these are cool futures I want" had been deeply corrupted by approval seeking and were injected with other people's values, not mine
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i rightly did not trust myself to go "this is what I want 5 years from now, how do I work towards it?" BUT THAT"S CHANGING NOW!!!🎉 i have wAAy more trust in my ability to discern how connected a given drive/desire/future with my soul
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this week i've been thinking [planning + taste] how do i increase taste? (understanding of values) how do i increase planning? (ability to make things happen) how do i integrate these for increase experience of agency? (i want, i see path of action, i do, i get)
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