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  1. Feb 12

    The final Trump era indignity: Dems left to dunking on his soon-to-be victorious lawyers. There will be no comeuppance.

    Undo
  2. Feb 7

    Wife is reading an Eleanor Roosevelt biography right now instead of making nachos and buffalo wings. Total bullshit!

    Undo
  3. Jan 28

    Even though I want to, I can’t judge people who eat Subway tuna. Once, at a Hooters, I ordered pasta with clam sauce - that was the moment I ceded the high ground for all time.

    Undo
  4. Jan 24

    Blasted some Enya in the car to get a reaction from my 11 year old. He rolled his eyes and asked, “Dad, why are you listening to the most memed song of all time?”

    Undo
  5. Jan 7

    3/4 of a trillion $ defense budget and our current outcome = Russian hackers walking into our computer systems and Level 0 characters easily assuming control of our Capitol. Hard to believe we bungled COVID so badly and can’t provide healthcare or basic income for our citizens!

    Undo
  6. 23 Dec 2020

    I strung this guy along for a few hours but the fun eventually came to an end. I guess the Whitman’s Sampler gave me away!

    Undo
  7. 9 Nov 2020

    Is there any way we can just declare the Biden Avengers-level team of super nerds as our new COVID task force? It’s past time for the Pence meathead brigade to fuck right off.

    Undo
  8. 8 Oct 2020

    Me: Yes, I accept your cookies. I have always accepted your cookies. I wouldn't go here if I didn't accept your cookies. Furthermore, I have already indicated on numerous occasions that I do, in fact, accept your cookies. Website: DO YOU ACCEPT OUR COOKIES

    Undo
  9. Retweeted
    15 Aug 2020

    Edward Snowden blew the whistle on illegal government activity kept secret for years, sparking a global debate about the proper limits of government surveillance. We've said it before and we'll say it again: Snowden is a patriot and should be pardoned.

    Undo
  10. 9 Jun 2020

    We can't trust law enforcement to responsibly wield batons, but what could go wrong with giving them facial recognition tools??

    Undo
  11. Retweeted
    22 Apr 2020

    Happy earth day 🌸🌍 🌺🌍🌸🌍🌸

    Undo
  12. Retweeted
    23 Apr 2020

    every time somebody tells me to use this time to learn a skill, I can’t help but remind them that making it this far in life with no real skills IS my skill.

    Undo
  13. 20 Mar 2020

    I call bullshit on any company that says “Our thoughts are with everyone at this difficult time” in their COVID messaging. You can’t think of everyone at once because you don’t know everyone it’s literally impossible to do.

    Undo
  14. 7 Aug 2019

    It’s 5:30 am in Las Vegas. I’ve already been shown a video that “proves” the El Paso shooting was faked. Off to a good start!

    Undo
  15. 19 Jul 2019

    I think a good tagline for a financial advisor firm would be “We put the douche in fiduciary.” No one has ever made this joke before. Don’t @ me!

    Undo
  16. 11 Jul 2019

    I was *just* about to hurt this guy’s daughter (or son) but then I thankfully saw this shirt in time!

    Undo
  17. 19 May 2019

    You'll get this bike back from me when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.

    Undo
  18. 12 Apr 2019

    I live for voicemail transcriptions

    Undo
  19. 13 Mar 2019

    I took my standardized exams the old fashioned way.

    Undo
  20. 1 Jan 2019

    a childhood favorite by the makers of “Sweets Nation”, “Apologies”, and “Medical Surgery”

    Undo

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