Sarah Beattie

@nachosarah

writer. snl contributor. I hate your ex boyfriend. Sorry I meant mine. I'm white

hawaii or LA
Joined September 2009

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  1. Pinned Tweet

    I saw a chameleon today so I guess it was a pretty shitty chameleon

  2. when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend

  3. maybe trump has so many kids because he yelled fake news whenever a girl told him she was pregnant

  4. I was asked if it's hard to be a female in comedy and I said it's a piece of cake if the cake thinks you're talentless but wants to fuck you

  5. waking up to trump news is like waking up to a homeless guy jerking off in the corner of your room and slowly realizing youre married to him

  6. are we still doing urine puns nevermind I don't want to know ignorance is piss

  7. "here's my asshole" -cats

  8. when people get divorced do they send out letters saying sorry the wedding we made you go to was fucking bullshit

  9. attention ladies a guy commented on my instagram that he wants to fuck my big sloppy titties so back off he's mine

  10. is there a vaccine that prevents being able to hear jenny mccarthy

  11. Sarah Beattie followed , , and 6 others
  12. hey random people insulting me over an abortion tweet how can you be pro-life when you hate yours so much

  13. maybe these rich old white dudes hate abortion because they've had to pay for so many

  14. guys to get rid of trump just show him an episode of ducktales and be like hey diving into a mountain of gold coins looks fun and safe

  15. a girl told me I looked really pretty like a kardashian so I told her she seemed really smart like a trump supporter

  16. if you want to be terrified ask yourself would charles manson make a better president than trump and realize you have to think about it

  17. I'm irish so when someone says something is small potatoes I'm like where give them to me then I step into the sun and die

  18. think how great the world would be if when trump was a child and threw a tantrum over losing at tag the other kids beat the shit out of him

  19. chill the fuck out white people not everybody knows how to ski

  20. you sound like a malfunctioning robot whose settings keep jumping from kill/destroy to protect the humans

  21. bite off the ends of a twizzler and put it in your soda for a fun way to distract yourself from the huge pile of shit that's your life

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