Sarah Beattie

@nachosarah

writer. snl contributor. I hate your ex boyfriend. Sorry I meant mine. I'm white

hawaii or LA
instagram.com/nachosarah
Joined September 2009
4 Photos and videos Photos and videos

Tweets

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  1. Pinned Tweet
    27 Mar 2013

    I saw a chameleon today so I guess it was a pretty shitty chameleon

    69 replies . 3,587 retweets 7,141 likes
  2. 13h

    when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend

    16 replies . 141 retweets 857 likes
  3. Jan 11

    maybe trump has so many kids because he yelled fake news whenever a girl told him she was pregnant

    14 replies . 103 retweets 543 likes
  4. Jan 11

    I was asked if it's hard to be a female in comedy and I said it's a piece of cake if the cake thinks you're talentless but wants to fuck you

    13 replies . 50 retweets 491 likes
  5. Jan 11

    waking up to trump news is like waking up to a homeless guy jerking off in the corner of your room and slowly realizing youre married to him

    36 replies . 250 retweets 1,099 likes
  6. Jan 10

    are we still doing urine puns nevermind I don't want to know ignorance is piss

    11 replies . 41 retweets 441 likes
  7. Jan 10

    "here's my asshole" -cats

    12 replies . 86 retweets 418 likes
  8. Jan 9

    when people get divorced do they send out letters saying sorry the wedding we made you go to was fucking bullshit

    35 replies . 100 retweets 514 likes
  9. Jan 8

    attention ladies a guy commented on my instagram that he wants to fuck my big sloppy titties so back off he's mine

    35 replies . 32 retweets 550 likes
  10. Jan 8

    is there a vaccine that prevents being able to hear jenny mccarthy

    24 replies . 149 retweets 713 likes
  11. Sarah Beattie followed , , and 6 others
  12. Jan 6

    hey random people insulting me over an abortion tweet how can you be pro-life when you hate yours so much

    16 replies . 69 retweets 818 likes
  13. Jan 5

    maybe these rich old white dudes hate abortion because they've had to pay for so many

    50 replies . 268 retweets 1,053 likes
  14. Jan 4

    guys to get rid of trump just show him an episode of ducktales and be like hey diving into a mountain of gold coins looks fun and safe

    11 replies . 202 retweets 705 likes
  15. Jan 3

    a girl told me I looked really pretty like a kardashian so I told her she seemed really smart like a trump supporter

    16 replies . 69 retweets 704 likes
  16. Jan 3

    if you want to be terrified ask yourself would charles manson make a better president than trump and realize you have to think about it

    42 replies . 396 retweets 1,129 likes
  17. Jan 2

    I'm irish so when someone says something is small potatoes I'm like where give them to me then I step into the sun and die

    16 replies . 84 retweets 534 likes
  18. Jan 2

    think how great the world would be if when trump was a child and threw a tantrum over losing at tag the other kids beat the shit out of him

    23 replies . 80 retweets 446 likes
  19. Jan 2

    chill the fuck out white people not everybody knows how to ski

    19 replies . 64 retweets 371 likes
  20. 31 Dec 2016

    you sound like a malfunctioning robot whose settings keep jumping from kill/destroy to protect the humans

    Happy New Year to all, including to my many enemies and those who have fought me and lost so badly they just don't know what to do. Love!
    18 replies . 111 retweets 533 likes
  21. 30 Dec 2016

    bite off the ends of a twizzler and put it in your soda for a fun way to distract yourself from the huge pile of shit that's your life

    13 replies . 105 retweets 427 likes

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