MyShirtWins

#Valentines day with spouse. http://i.imgur.com/rnOZi4Z.jpg  #VDay

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, it's because no one else wanted them.

I bet you I could stop gambling #winner #chickendinner

Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years.

I'm old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. #sigh i miss being young.

That awkward part in #monopoly when the board is lined with so many hotels that going to jail becomes a blessing. #truth

If you think these jokes are hilarious, you should see my life choices. #depressing

Can't wait for summer so I can stop complaining about how cold it is and start complaining on how hot it is. #neverhappy

An apple a day keeps anyone away, If you throw it hard enough. #fightme

I don't always get asked out on a date. But when I do... It's on April 1st. #stillhurts #lonely

#Happiness is like a unicorn. It doesn't exist unless you're on #drugs or #drunk.

The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is that little space in between we call the "Friend Zone". #sorry #eventually

I let my daughters watch The Bachelor so they can learn every single thing to never ever do as an adult woman.

Today I have been #sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total. Same with cigs. #cantdoit

A blind man walks into a bar... And a chair... and a table. #cheesy still #funny #getoutofmyface

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused." Them I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail. #amused

Daughter: Mommy, what's it like to have the most awesome daughter in the world ? Mother: I don't know, ask your grandmother. #theburn

If someday we all go to prison for downloading #music, I hope they split us by music genre. #winning

When a two year old hands you their ringing toy phone, no matter how badass you think you are, you answer it. #love #daughter