Michael Ellis

You - looking for the male analogue of Pica. Me - looking for someone who thinks of me as the male analogue of Pica. Let's make this work!

'See this thing you want? Here's some other stuff' - Life

Decided to stop talking to myself. Can only bandy about the words 'I'm so, so sorry' a certain number of times before they lose all meaning.

10 PRINT "GETTING STUCK IN A NOSTALGIA LOOP IS SLOWLY DESTROYING YOUR INNER LIGHT" 20 GOTO 10

Feel like my dates would be more receptive if they'd just read my eBay feedback profile. Bigcarp750 didn't pull 'A++++' out of his/her ass.

Not good with criticism. Or compliments. Everything in between – studded with emotional landmines. Don't bother is the gist.

Been out of the game for a spell. Are we still pushing women over to signal our interest?

Not that I'm a Physics major or anything but my potential energy must be through the roof at this point.

Eternal Sunshining with a drill and some Tippex. If I don't recognise you next time we meet, you know what you did.

How do you respond when your dog tells you it needs to feel validated, sexually?

One bonus of being a shell of a man is you have more room for dessert. Also, gas and thoughts of suicide.

Porn ruins you for the reality, guys. Just had a circle of grunting jocks rub one out on my face, and the expected sense of elation? Absent.

'Liked' a status on Facebook. Where do I click to highlight it was passive-aggressive?

Checked myself in mirror just now and saw the face of an old man. Clean forgot I was wearing it; been out to the shops and everything. :-$

You're entitled to your opinion I guess, but pretty sure it all balances out if they're *champagne* piss bottles.

As the fallen pear is to the fly, I am to nothing and nobody. You win again, pears.

How do I sleep while the bed is burning? Serious question.

Every day, computer wants to reset to 2002. You and me both, buddy.

Step 1 in making Smash Mouth big again : YouTube film of kids repeating the words 'Smash' and 'Mouth' like a tongue twister. Adorable=$$$.

Anyone know of any nearby rap battle contests? Feel like my flow is kind of perfected at this point.