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Ideally, I'd like to marry a handsome, age appropriate man with money, but would settle for love.
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Looking forward to the episode where the winning queen isn't wearing a bra and has to pull the lipstick outta their bootyhole.
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I woke up with a sore throat today. Fingers crossed it's fatal!
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I just saw my body in a funhouse mirror and, honestly, it was improvement. – At Six Flags Great Adventure
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My first name ain't baby. It's Sally, Mrs. Fields if you're hungry.
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Gay culture is going from "how much older is too old" to "how much younger is too young" then still dying alone.
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How lazy am I on a scale of one to I just picked my nose and left it on my pinky while scrolling through my phone for twenty more minutes?
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It's hard identifying with "Like a Virgin" when you were touched for the very first time by your improv instructor.
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If I'm gonna swallow a load of protien, it better come from nuts. That's why I eat Nature Valley XL Protien Bars.
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Sunday in the Park with Porridge
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The only dance I can ever bring myself to do at a straight wedding is the thorazine shuffle.
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I love chocolate cake, but hate that it turns my shit brown.
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I'm at the age where I just got whiplash turning around to cruise a hot guy who fully turned out to be a bronze statue.
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On Wednesdays, we wear our emotions on our sleeve, because someone forgot to take their Wellbutrin.
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"Welcome to my humble commode." Me hosting a dinner potty.
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If I call in sick, I'm either faking it or on my deathbed, because I refuse to waste even one sick day on being merely contagious.
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Gay culture is endlessly venmoing each other back and forth for brunch because someone needs the points.
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My parents never loved me enough growing up to give me an allowance, which is why I'm always seeking a pension.
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My life would be so much better if my sister were an only child.
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Never date someone who isn't your intellectual equal, unless they have a speedboat, because I heard you're into water sports.
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"I've got loose morals and an even looser butthole." My Real Housewives tagline.
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