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  1. Pinned Tweet
    1 Apr 2016

    Ideally, I'd like to marry a handsome, age appropriate man with money, but would settle for love.

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  2. 28 Dec 2018

    Looking forward to the episode where the winning queen isn't wearing a bra and has to pull the lipstick outta their bootyhole.

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  3. 7 Dec 2018

    I woke up with a sore throat today. Fingers crossed it's fatal!

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  4. 20 Oct 2018

    I just saw my body in a funhouse mirror and, honestly, it was improvement. – At Six Flags Great Adventure

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  5. 7 Oct 2018

    My first name ain't baby. It's Sally, Mrs. Fields if you're hungry.

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  6. 9 Sep 2018

    Gay culture is going from "how much older is too old" to "how much younger is too young" then still dying alone.

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  7. 1 Sep 2018

    How lazy am I on a scale of one to I just picked my nose and left it on my pinky while scrolling through my phone for twenty more minutes?

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  8. 14 Aug 2018

    It's hard identifying with "Like a Virgin" when you were touched for the very first time by your improv instructor.

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  9. 12 Aug 2018

    If I'm gonna swallow a load of protien, it better come from nuts. That's why I eat Nature Valley XL Protien Bars.

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  10. 12 Aug 2018

    Sunday in the Park with Porridge

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  11. 7 Aug 2018

    The only dance I can ever bring myself to do at a straight wedding is the thorazine shuffle.

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  12. 4 Aug 2018

    I love chocolate cake, but hate that it turns my shit brown.

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  13. 12 Jul 2018

    I'm at the age where I just got whiplash turning around to cruise a hot guy who fully turned out to be a bronze statue.

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  14. 11 Apr 2018

    On Wednesdays, we wear our emotions on our sleeve, because someone forgot to take their Wellbutrin.

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  15. 3 Jan 2018

    "Welcome to my humble commode." Me hosting a dinner potty.

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  16. 28 Nov 2017

    If I call in sick, I'm either faking it or on my deathbed, because I refuse to waste even one sick day on being merely contagious.

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  17. 26 Nov 2017

    Gay culture is endlessly venmoing each other back and forth for brunch because someone needs the points.

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  18. 10 Nov 2017

    My parents never loved me enough growing up to give me an allowance, which is why I'm always seeking a pension.

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  19. 5 Nov 2017

    My life would be so much better if my sister were an only child.

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  20. 21 Sep 2017

    Never date someone who isn't your intellectual equal, unless they have a speedboat, because I heard you're into water sports.

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  21. 20 Sep 2017

    "I've got loose morals and an even looser butthole." My Real Housewives tagline.

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