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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    29. srp 2018.

    You meet a girl and fall in love. You move in together. After several joyous years she grows ill and dies. One day you pass a photo of her and notice for the first time that she is in fact a ventriloquist dummy. "Damn, I've gotten good," a voice says.

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  2. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    god: i have made Mankind angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it's got anxiety

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  3. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    14. ruj 2016.

    So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said "I have a boyfriend" ok lettuce head

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  4. 3. velj

    GIRLFRIEND: No

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  5. 2. velj

    GIRLFRIEND: We need to break up. ME: *blowing on a spoonful of coleslaw before taking a bite* Is it because of my jealousy, gaslighting, and emotional immaturity?

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  6. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. srp 2017.

    Just got back from the centrist rally. Amazing turnout. Thousands of people holding hands and chanting “Better things aren’t possible”

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  7. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    7. stu 2015.

    Me: I'd invite you in but my place is a mess Friend: That's OK. I don't mind M: The mess tho F: Don't be silly M: I don't want u in my house

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  8. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    10. velj 2017.

    Autocorrect changed "jizz" to "jazz" so now I'm just sitting here while this guy plays a clarinet in my face.

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  9. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    3. sij 2018.

    ME: *realises I've just stepped on an ant* oh no JOHN WICK: Has anyone seen my pet ant? ME: OH NO

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  10. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    23. svi 2018.

    [cloud watching] GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring. ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

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  11. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    5. lip 2014.

    I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

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  12. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    22. tra 2019.

    Person: sorry I hurt your feelings Me, now a human version of an indentation in the carpet after a piece of furniture has been moved: it’s cool

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  13. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    5. sij 2018.

    [at a street brawl] onlooker 1: fuck him up! onlooker 2: knock his teeth in! onlooker 3: kill him! me: give him the ol’ razzle dazzle! [the fight stops, everyone turns and looks at me. a bus screeches to a halt. two blocks away a bird flies into a window] me: razzle dazzle him.

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  14. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    30. tra 2015.

    Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, "I'm GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!"

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  15. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    *whispers to an avocado* "I'm the good kind of fat, too."

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  16. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    7. lis 2018.

    Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?

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  17. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    30. sij

    Me: If we tie their shoes together there's no way they can get us in an apocalypse situation. Mortician: While this makes sense, I'd like you to leave

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  18. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    30. sij

    Sure, everyone wants to be immortal until they consider that your ears and your nose never stop growing.

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  19. 31. sij

    more like Kvetcher in the Rye imo lmao

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  20. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    28. sij

    One nice way to feel better about yourself is to imagine what Steve Irwin would say about you if you were a little snake he found in the desert

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  21. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    26. sij

    2001 Cosmo magazine: stuff a CHILLI in his DICKHOLE for a BANGIN blowjob!!!! Do a handstand and let him SPANK your PUSSY with a LAMP 12 year old me: yeah of course

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