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Prikvačeni tweet
You meet a girl and fall in love. You move in together. After several joyous years she grows ill and dies. One day you pass a photo of her and notice for the first time that she is in fact a ventriloquist dummy. "Damn, I've gotten good," a voice says.
Hvala. Twitter će to iskoristiti za poboljšanje vaše vremenske crte. PoništiPoništi -
ugly vince proslijedio/la je Tweet
god: i have made Mankind angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it's got anxiety
Prikaži ovu nitHvala. Twitter će to iskoristiti za poboljšanje vaše vremenske crte. PoništiPoništi -
ugly vince proslijedio/la je Tweet
So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said "I have a boyfriend" ok lettuce head
Hvala. Twitter će to iskoristiti za poboljšanje vaše vremenske crte. PoništiPoništi -
Hvala. Twitter će to iskoristiti za poboljšanje vaše vremenske crte. PoništiPoništi
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GIRLFRIEND: We need to break up. ME: *blowing on a spoonful of coleslaw before taking a bite* Is it because of my jealousy, gaslighting, and emotional immaturity?
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ugly vince proslijedio/la je Tweet
Just got back from the centrist rally. Amazing turnout. Thousands of people holding hands and chanting “Better things aren’t possible”
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ugly vince proslijedio/la je Tweet
Me: I'd invite you in but my place is a mess Friend: That's OK. I don't mind M: The mess tho F: Don't be silly M: I don't want u in my house
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ugly vince proslijedio/la je Tweet
Autocorrect changed "jizz" to "jazz" so now I'm just sitting here while this guy plays a clarinet in my face.
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ugly vince proslijedio/la je Tweet
ME: *realises I've just stepped on an ant* oh no JOHN WICK: Has anyone seen my pet ant? ME: OH NO
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ugly vince proslijedio/la je Tweet
[cloud watching] GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring. ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
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ugly vince proslijedio/la je Tweet
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
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ugly vince proslijedio/la je Tweet
Person: sorry I hurt your feelings Me, now a human version of an indentation in the carpet after a piece of furniture has been moved: it’s cool
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ugly vince proslijedio/la je Tweet
[at a street brawl] onlooker 1: fuck him up! onlooker 2: knock his teeth in! onlooker 3: kill him! me: give him the ol’ razzle dazzle! [the fight stops, everyone turns and looks at me. a bus screeches to a halt. two blocks away a bird flies into a window] me: razzle dazzle him.
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ugly vince proslijedio/la je Tweet
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, "I'm GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!"
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ugly vince proslijedio/la je Tweet
*whispers to an avocado* "I'm the good kind of fat, too."
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ugly vince proslijedio/la je Tweet
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
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ugly vince proslijedio/la je Tweet
Me: If we tie their shoes together there's no way they can get us in an apocalypse situation. Mortician: While this makes sense, I'd like you to leave
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ugly vince proslijedio/la je Tweet
Sure, everyone wants to be immortal until they consider that your ears and your nose never stop growing.
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more like Kvetcher in the Rye imo lmao
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ugly vince proslijedio/la je Tweet
One nice way to feel better about yourself is to imagine what Steve Irwin would say about you if you were a little snake he found in the desert
Hvala. Twitter će to iskoristiti za poboljšanje vaše vremenske crte. PoništiPoništi -
ugly vince proslijedio/la je Tweet
2001 Cosmo magazine: stuff a CHILLI in his DICKHOLE for a BANGIN blowjob!!!! Do a handstand and let him SPANK your PUSSY with a LAMP 12 year old me: yeah of course
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Čini se da učitavanje traje već neko vrijeme.
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