What did you expect of your adult life as a child?
Follow
Aunt Becky
@mommywantsvodka
My interests include game theory, cherry lip gloss, and the letter J.
Aunt Becky’s Tweets
Also: as a child, I expected that when I grew up, I’d have many treasure quests, pits of snakes to jump over, and a motherfucking shitton of quicksand.
6
17
When I was a kid, I planned to - when I was at the grocery store - steal all the plastic bags in the produce area. Think gleefully I’d run thru and grab scads of bags from other shoppers. I had no real idea what I’d do with them once I got them.
5
1
2
Bullshit is organic, too.
Quote Tweet
Replying to @mommywantsvodka
They’re nice, sometimes and also the same color as bull shits.
1
Earth tones are bullshit.
1
1
Topics to follow
Sign up to get Tweets about the Topics you follow in your Home timeline.
Carousel
'6 n the Morning Feds at your door.....'
2,143
9,357
93.3K
Remember this?
3
I’ve decided that I need a contour kit make up (I have zero idea what to buy) have some ridiculously fun times at the expense of my face. This is gonna be hilarious. #beauty #makeup #influencers #countourkits
2
If you’ve noticed that I’ve taken the picture of my son down, it came at the “request” of his father. It’s been a decade and still Dave can make me feel ashamed. #primadonnababymommadrauma
11
ICE COLD FACT: Some of the people that have a problem with you, You’ve actually helped at one time.. Interesting how that works.. Smh
331
1,337
7,117
… drink out of the hose until you could hear the water rumbling around in our bellies. The loudest one of us would win a chance and playing with our treasured Big Wheels. I failed every time, but still, the phantom taste of that water lingers in my mind.
4
Show this thread
Maybe it’s because our parents didn’t want us to track our dirty wet selves or maybe it’s because they were all drinking and watching their soaps, I couldn’t tell you why our doors locked us out, only that it was what happened. Stomachs rumbling, we made a game out of who could
3
Show this thread
Our success rate at finding him was as abysmal as the Cubs track record, but we’d pick out bikes up and chase the twinkly music around the neighborhood. Back home after the chase, we’d turn on the hose to douse ourselves. Once we were soaked we made a game.
1
2
Show this thread
There’s no better water than the stuff we’d drink out of the hose on the dog days when our parents would kick us outside to roam the neighborhood, looking for the enigmatic ice cream man.
4
3
16
Show this thread
Corn dogs and sparklers seem like they’d make for a really fun orgy.
3
5
Notice that the terms “German food” and “elevated” never appear in the same statements?
2
1
6
I wish, like I’d changed my first name to “Gunner,” like I do every day that’s not my birthday, which is today. So no changing my name today.
3
1
9
Can’t stop, won’t stop.
2
1
4
What makes me so sad is that for some addicts - even in recovery - we’ll never be known for anything but the sum of our mistakes
5
2
14
Hope that your genitals are safe tonight!
1
5
When people say “eggcetera” rather than “etcetera” my teeth scream.
2
2
16
Noticed they moved the rotisserie chickens at the grocery store to the front of the store. When questioned, they admitted that they’d experienced issues with a woman in a trenchcoat, wearing a surgical wrap around her waist, a hat covering her unwashed hair, singing “Free Bird.”
1
3
And by “what I’m looking for” I mean “the world’s greatest cheeseburger”
1
3
Show this thread
Still haven’t found what I’m looking for.
2
1
Show this thread
The doc had Nathan remove my last drain … without remembering he’d put some kind of wizardly stitch into it. #thingsTVdocswouldhaveremembered
1
2
Delicious non sequitur.
1
1
Today is surgery day. 10 hours of it. Recovery is going to be such a mess that this may be the most coherent tweet for months.
13
1
40
Hey I need advice. I’ve got a “woodpecker” trying to bore into my glass window auspiciously “asking for more food” but probably just trying to get into my house to hurt me. What should I do?
3
1
2
I’ll predicate YOUR nominative.
3
1
2
My next job needs to be writing subtitles.
1
2
10
I feel this in my bones every fucking day.
Quote Tweet
Replying to @mommywantsvodka
I’m genuinely surprised you have made it this far in life without ever needing a burner phone.
2
If being able to spot a fake from across the room, I’d kill that interview. Just like a s#WashingtonStateSerialKillers
1
Can’t help but wonder if there’s a “Serial Killer near me” database. #WashingtonState
2
1
7