Jessie

@mommajessiec

*awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.

United States
Vrijeme pridruživanja: siječanj 2018.

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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    8. ožu 2019.

    *seductively takes off winter coat* *seductively takes off another coat* *seductively takes off another coat* Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

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  2. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    31. sij

    When a tall brunette person extends her hand, do not instead hug the tall brunette person. She does not like it.

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    [Cranking up the heat on my slow cooker] Me: slow cook it faster

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  4. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 21 sat

    Welcome to your 40s. You buy socks based on what they’re made of not cuteness, because your feet get too hot.

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  5. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 2 sata

    I talk a lot of shit for someone that’s always👌this close to falling in love at any given moment.

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  6. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    24. ruj 2019.

    Cat 911: What's your emergency Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it Cat: Cat 911: Cat: Haha hahaha Cat 911: hahahha Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

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  7. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    3. velj

    Why did the wombat cross the road? To see its flat mate

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  8. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    3. velj

    Her: Something on your mind? Me (who constantly reminisces about my time aboard a schooner): I think knot.

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  9. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 3 sata

    I got fired from a volunteer position today. THAT’S WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT. Hell yes.

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  10. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    “Healing starts here” I say as I open a fresh bag of Doritos.

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  11. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    28. sij

    They aren’t tears, they’re rage drops.

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  12. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    15. sij

    Him: I like smart girls who are a little weird Me: I’m pretty quarky lol Him: not like that

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  13. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    [screaming and mass hysteria] Party host: WHYYYYYYYYYYY?! Me: I thought you said BYO bees Guy holding a jar of pee: I also misheard

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  14. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    3. velj

    Feeling pretty good about myself because it’s only 9:30 am and I’m finished doing all my chores for the day. Oh I didn’t get everything done, I just meant I’m done doing them.

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  15. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    31. sij

    My kid called me a boomer so I put down my Walkman and chased her back into her room

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  16. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 5 sati

    A few bites of celery, a few fistfuls of M&Ms. It’s really all about balance.

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  17. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    I see your sexy superbowl halftime routine, and I raise you my attempts to put on a bra after a shower. Very athletic

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  18. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 5 sati

    U2 sent some album to my iPhone about sixteen years back, and I didn’t know how to delete it. Now it’s 2020 & there’s CarPlay & even more things I don’t know about. I get into my car & half naked men are on my dashboard, which isn’t so bad, though kids are a little young for it.

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  19. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    Me: babe I’ve been sick in bed so long I think I’m getting bed sores Husband: that’s not a bed sore it’s a pepperoni Me: *tastes it* oh you’re right Husband: please stop eating in bed

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  20. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    28. sij

    Hate when a problem comes along and I forget to whip it.

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  21. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    Home Goods is a wild place. Need a couch? We got you. A wall clock that’s 6 feet wide? Sure thing. You want this dog? It’s yours for $17.99.

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