Mencius Moldbugman

Your boss looks at you with the upmost seriousness. “I like you,” she says. “You have a lot of potential.” You nod, sensing the upcoming “but”. “But... you’re a smart guy,” she says. “But, but, but...” “You know how it is,” she says, with a smile...

She’s really looking you in the eye now. You feel like you’re about to enter a special club. “There are many complaints. Many complaints. However, your work is good. Potentially you could get promoted...” She stares at you with a distant distant look. You don’t yet understand.

“What? What do you need to do?” you exclaim. “I’ve been here for 4 years! I’m ready for upskilling!” Your boss shakes her head. “Oh, my sweet summer boy! It’s not a question of skills. You’re more than capable. But there’s a small problem...”

She explains how you are a valued talent of the company. She emphasises how your skills are appreciated. However, she whispers, the company is committed to equity. Very very committed. She would love to promote you... but she only has quota for one female manager this year.

Your boss stares you in the eye. “Do you understand what I am saying?” Before she can finish a girl from Marketing barges in and hands you a slice of Jane’s birthday cake. Jane from Finance is now vegan. The cake slice looks like your grandmother’s bowel cancer.

The cake wiggles and squirms in front of you. “It’s a new kind of birthday cake,” your boss says. “No meat, no cruelty, just 100% kindness and a commitment to make the world a better place!” She stares at you. “Do you understand?” she says.

You want to tell her how everyone is late for meetings. You want to tell her how it’s not your fault: IT only works 50% of the time. You want to tell her how you have no time for work. You want to declare that this is not a #greatplacetowork but instead Hell on Earth.

Your boss looks at you. She’s almost weeping. She has deep expressive feminine eyes. “Are you committed to gender balance?” she asks. “Yes,” you say. Your boss looks at you like a Grecian Oracle. “We can only offer this promotion to a woman,” she says. “”Are you a woman?”