Mencius Moldbugman

On the train to work you spot an advert for a job site. It’s a multicoloured garish image of happy people with bright teeth and sharp suits. You look around at your fellow commuters. Everybody looks like shit. You wonder where these great jobs are and return to your phone.

Today is an all-day training, so you arrive early to clear your emails before it starts but once again you’re locked out of your PC. You succeed in grabbing Kumar from IT. He tells you that security saw your post-it note with your password written on it so blocked your access.

You get angry. You explain that you really need to access your PC. Kumar replies that you were locked out for your own safety and security. You ask how long you will be locked out for. Kumar says 24 hours. You decide to watch anime in the toilet until the training starts.

You enter the training. The room is full of desperate-looking men staring downwards and women holding pens. “Welcome!” shouts HR Zoe. “Looks like someone had an accident!” She points to your pants and everyone laughs. This is a respect seminar. It doesn’t matter. You’re a man.

Everyone is asked to introduce by stating 3 funny facts about themselves. Janet: “I have 2 adorable kids, make a mean lasagne, and I loooooove my coffee!” Everyone laughs. John: “I’m from Ohio, visited Trinidad twice, and I loooooove my coffee!” Everyone laughs.

It’s your turn. You say: “I think Nietzsche was overly optimistic. I once shared a beer with Mel Gibson. I enjoy hot toddies made with real Martinique rum on a toasty cozy evening.” Nobody laughs. “Does he have a drinking problem?” you hear one woman whisper to another.

The training begins and Zoe turns on a PowerPoint presentation. The first slide is a 500 word intro entitled “What is Respect?” Zoe proceeds to read out every single word even though it is right there on the screen. You internally sigh. Everyone else nods their heads sagely.

You are asked to get into groups and create something called a “mind map” about a topic that is important to the company and helps build respect within the group. Your group chooses “Equity”. Out comes a flipchart and you are given a marker pen. You will see a lot of both today

Janet takes the lead and asks the group to say words related to Equity. You reel off 12 in an instant. That was wrong. The point of the exercise isn’t to just give correct answers. It’s to discuss and share. Over the next 20 minutes the group slowly repeats your 12 words.

Once completed, every group has to volunteer one person to read out their words to the rest of the group. You are volunteered. You read out all of the words written on the flipchart even though everyone in the room is capable of reading. Actually, you’re not sure on that.

You break for lunch. Since it is a training day you must go with the group for a team lunch. Nobody likes Pizza Express, but everybody is afraid to state a strong opinion so the easiest option wins out. The group orders a Hawaiian pizza. You hate Hawaiian. You smile anyway.

The bill arrives and it is declared that everyone should pay an equal share. That sounds simple. Janet says she only had a starter so should only pay half. John is gluten-intolerant so only had a coke and doesn’t want to split. So you all agree to cover their share.

The waiter comes. Nobody has cash. The waiter says they can’t split the bill across different cards. Everyone looks down and goes silent. Eventually you volunteer to pay the bill. Zoe says you can claim it on expenses. It will take you 3 months to clear it through expenses.

You head back into the training room. For the next hour you are asked to perform role plays. Dutifully, you act out a fake situation that would never be resolved in real life as it is resolved in the role play. Every role play receives applause no matter how bad it was.

Everyone is told they’re doing great. Everyone is told that they are so lucky to work somewhere with such passionate, intelligent and dedicated people. Best of the best. As you’re told this you glance over to Janet. She is picking wax out of her ear with a ballpoint pen.

Zoe makes a special announcement. She has managed to pull some strings and you are about to receive training on something that is guaranteed to bring you up to the next level. You wonder what it is. A 50-year-old lesbian walks in and declares you’re about to do Laughter Yoga.

For the next hour you are all instructed to roll on the floor and laugh hysterically. You join in because it feels awkward to walk out. You’re worried of the consequences if you leave. The old lesbian instructs you all to bark like dogs. Apparently it helps your chakras.

Finally... finally it comes to an end. Before you can go home you are asked to fill in a feedback form about how useful the training was. You know that Zoe from HR will read every form. You give the training 5-stars and sign off your enthusiasm with 17 exclamation marks.

You don’t even bother to check your PC on the way out. You just want to go home. You just want this nightmare to end. But it won’t end. Tomorrow is Thursday and you’re only 35. There will be many many more Thursdays.

The alarm rings. Every single BEEP drilling it’s way into your skull. You reach out for the SNOOZE button. Just 10 more minutes, please. 10 more minutes wrapped in the blanket not having to think about work. You hear the PINGS of a dozen Whatsapp messages flooding in. It’s over.

You check the WhatsApp messages, bleary-eyed. You have 57 messages. It’s your team Whatsapp group. 8 of the messages are your 8 teammates saying they are feeling sick today. The other 49 messages are everybody wishing everyone else “Take care sweetie” or “Get well soon babe”.

You wonder why there is so much sickness amongst your team today. Perhaps food poisoning from yesterday’s pizza? But you’re fine... ... Then you remember. The big boss is visiting from HQ today. Another Whatsapp message. Someone is asking if you can help complete their report.

You arrive at the office. Jack from IT accosts you at the entrance. He is holding a Sponsorship Form. Will you donate money for his current cause? You ask what it is. Jack says it’s to raise funds to help trans Somalian kids undergo gender realignment surgery.

You don’t think it’s a good cause, but a group of colleagues stop by and all slap Jack on the back and say what a great cause it is. They look at you. They say they’re hoping for 100% participation. You donate $20. They tell you the minimum donation is $50. You donate $50.

You approach your PC, warily. Miraculously... it works. You open Outlook with no issues. Due to being mostly offline for the last 2 days you have 2,407 unread emails. Many have red exclamation marks in the subject title. Others are written in CAPITAL LETTERS.