Mencius Moldbugman

Ian starts to mumble to himself between his sobbing. “You’re a corporate tiger, Ian! You’ve got this! Q4 is gonna be your quarter!” You wonder how much Ian is really “knocking it out of the park” and leave. A woman glares at you as you leave the all-gender toilet.

You get back to your desk and you can’t enter your PC again because you’re 30-day password has expired and you must create a new one. You try the name of your first dog, mother’s date of birth, primary school address... all are rejected for not being strong enough.

You try them all again with added capital letters and symbols but they still fail. Eventually you give up and input a string of 20 random letters and numbers. You’ll never remember it so you write it down on Post-It and stick it to your desk for future reference.

An email arrives from Jane in Finance. They won’t process your invoice because there is a new procedure and you failed to follow it correctly. You ask where this new process was announced. She tells you it’s on the intranet’s Finance page. You never knew you had an intranet.

You go onto the intranet page and it tells you that all invoices must now be submitted through a new Oracle system. Sighing, you click the link to download the Oracle system. A pop-up springs open and says you don’t have administrative permission to download new software.

You call IT to ask them to download the new invoice platform. They tell you to raise a service ticket. You raise the ticket. It’s now 5pm and nobody has replied to you. You call IT again but they’ve all left for the day.

Desperately, you search the office for someone who can potentially help. You bribe the autistic guy in the corner office to help you get round the IT permissions. Finally you submit your invoice on the new system. A pop-up tells you that the deadline for invoices was yesterday.

Most of the office has gone home. A few people that you hate stop by your desk to tell you not to work too late. “I can’t work late like you,” chuckles Jane from Finance. “I have a family to look after.” You don’t even have a girlfriend. Jane thinks you should “get one”.

The office lights dim around you and the A/C shuts down. They are all automated to power down after 7pm to help the company achieve its Sustainability Goals. You know this cos you attended a meeting on the firm’s sustainability goals presented by 2 McKinsey consultants in suits.

Sweltering in a dark office, alone and hungry, only the light from your PC illuminates your surroundings. You have achieved absolutely nothing once again.

Luckily, there is always time tomorrow to complete the unfinished tasks. Wednesday is a new day. As you switch off Outlook, a “gentle reminder” from Zoe in HR pings in reminding you that you have an all-day training session tomorrow. She signs off: “Kind regards”.

You awake from a terrible dream. No. That’s wrong. You awoke into a terrible dream. It’s Wednesday. It’s halfway through the working week. You’re 35. You’re halfway through your life. Neither is looking bright right now.

On the train to work you spot an advert for a job site. It’s a multicoloured garish image of happy people with bright teeth and sharp suits. You look around at your fellow commuters. Everybody looks like shit. You wonder where these great jobs are and return to your phone.

Today is an all-day training, so you arrive early to clear your emails before it starts but once again you’re locked out of your PC. You succeed in grabbing Kumar from IT. He tells you that security saw your post-it note with your password written on it so blocked your access.

You get angry. You explain that you really need to access your PC. Kumar replies that you were locked out for your own safety and security. You ask how long you will be locked out for. Kumar says 24 hours. You decide to watch anime in the toilet until the training starts.

You enter the training. The room is full of desperate-looking men staring downwards and women holding pens. “Welcome!” shouts HR Zoe. “Looks like someone had an accident!” She points to your pants and everyone laughs. This is a respect seminar. It doesn’t matter. You’re a man.

Everyone is asked to introduce by stating 3 funny facts about themselves. Janet: “I have 2 adorable kids, make a mean lasagne, and I loooooove my coffee!” Everyone laughs. John: “I’m from Ohio, visited Trinidad twice, and I loooooove my coffee!” Everyone laughs.

It’s your turn. You say: “I think Nietzsche was overly optimistic. I once shared a beer with Mel Gibson. I enjoy hot toddies made with real Martinique rum on a toasty cozy evening.” Nobody laughs. “Does he have a drinking problem?” you hear one woman whisper to another.

The training begins and Zoe turns on a PowerPoint presentation. The first slide is a 500 word intro entitled “What is Respect?” Zoe proceeds to read out every single word even though it is right there on the screen. You internally sigh. Everyone else nods their heads sagely.

You are asked to get into groups and create something called a “mind map” about a topic that is important to the company and helps build respect within the group. Your group chooses “Equity”. Out comes a flipchart and you are given a marker pen. You will see a lot of both today

Janet takes the lead and asks the group to say words related to Equity. You reel off 12 in an instant. That was wrong. The point of the exercise isn’t to just give correct answers. It’s to discuss and share. Over the next 20 minutes the group slowly repeats your 12 words.

Once completed, every group has to volunteer one person to read out their words to the rest of the group. You are volunteered. You read out all of the words written on the flipchart even though everyone in the room is capable of reading. Actually, you’re not sure on that.

You break for lunch. Since it is a training day you must go with the group for a team lunch. Nobody likes Pizza Express, but everybody is afraid to state a strong opinion so the easiest option wins out. The group orders a Hawaiian pizza. You hate Hawaiian. You smile anyway.

The bill arrives and it is declared that everyone should pay an equal share. That sounds simple. Janet says she only had a starter so should only pay half. John is gluten-intolerant so only had a coke and doesn’t want to split. So you all agree to cover their share.

The waiter comes. Nobody has cash. The waiter says they can’t split the bill across different cards. Everyone looks down and goes silent. Eventually you volunteer to pay the bill. Zoe says you can claim it on expenses. It will take you 3 months to clear it through expenses.