Mencius Moldbugman

The barista says you must give a name. You argue but she just blinks. You tell her your name. Five minutes later she hands you a latte. You don’t complain and just leave. It’s better this way.

Back at the office you bump into Jack from IT. You hate Jack. He asks you about your weekend and then shows you a video of his son at the Epcot Center. He asks you for lunch but before you can refuse he’s sent you an invite for 12.30. The restaurant only serves eggs benedict.

You sit down at your desk and begin clearing your emails. 50% of them are chain arguments where half of the company had been copied in to play witness to a misunderstanding about dirty coffee cups in the pantry. The other 50% are from people trying to put their work onto you.

You begin to tackle the 60 emails from people trying to offload their duties onto you. You reply to each one-by-one. After you click the final send button you check your inbox and you now have 60 out-of-office replies.

It’s lunchtime. Jack drops by your desk so you can’t escape. Over lunch you joke about how anyone who asks for a lunch appointment always wants something more than lunch. Jack laughs. He says you have a good sense of humour. Then he asks you to join the company social committee

Finally you get back to your desk. You can’t close the door and work in peace because you work in an open-plan office. Someone behind you is playing rap music loudly on headphones. You try to concentrate but you can’t because you work in an open-plan office.

Jane comes by your desk with birthday cake. It’s the birthday of Zoe in HR. She offers you a slice. You tell her you’re on a strict keto diet. Jane raises an eyebrow and gives you a look. You eat the cake. 5 minutes later you receive an email asking you to give $5 for the cake.

There is a commotion by the door and a chorus of ooh’s and aah’s. A woman who has been on maternity leave for a year has popped in to show off her baby. Work stops completely as everyone leaves their desk. You try to work. The baby is now beside you. You’re being asked to kiss it

The mother asks when you are going to have a baby. You don’t even have a girlfriend because you work late every night and are too depressed to leave the house at weekends. The mother then tells you she is expecting again and will have another year off. You will do her work.

An email lands into your inbox. “Can we have a quick meeting at 4pm” You reply: “Yes” They reply: “Thanks. Please send me an invitation and book a meeting room.” It’s already 3pm. There are never rooms available at 4pm.

You reply that there are no rooms available but she is welcome to swing by your desk. She never replies. A week later you discover she complained to your boss that you were unprofessional.

A girl from Comms stops by your desk. She is taking photos for the company website. She asks you to hold up a sign saying “I support women in leadership!" 90% of your management are already women. You hold up the sign and give a thumbs up. You’re tired. Your smile hurts.

You turn back to your PC. A message has arrived that this Sunday will be Family Day and “they” hope “you” will be there. You look at the names of the people organising the Family Day. They are all childless middle-aged women. You read more and note that attendance is compulsory.

David from Contracts replies to the email that he can’t attend the Family Day because his son has a football match that day and it’s the finals. The childless middle-aged women respond to David that attendance is mandatory. There can be no family fun outside Family Day.

A supplier emails you about a long-overdue invoice. You email the invoice to Jane from Finance and ask on the status. She replies and asks you to attach the invoice. You grit your teeth, reattach the invoice, and click send. Jane then asks why have you sent her an invoice.

You try to concentrate one last time, but somebody has hit a sales target and the song “We Are The Champions” blasts over the speaker. It’s impossible to focus. You look at the overweight tired people high-fiving each other by the sales desk. They don’t look like champions.

You never wanted your life to be like this. This is not how you imagined life to be aged 35. You studied hard. You worked hard. You did all the right things. Said all the right things. Yet here you are being asked to give $5 for Zoe’s birthday cake in an open-plan office.

You wonder if there are other better jobs. You check LinkedIn. You notice your company has posted a photo of you smiling, holding up the “women in leadership” sign with the hashtag #greatplacetowork written underneath. All the other companies say they are #greatplacestowork too

You realise there is no escape. Even though you have unfinished work you decide to leave on-time today and just go home to lie on the bed. Jane from Finance notices your sad frown as you leave. “Somebody had a bad case of the Monday’s today!” she jokes. Everybody laughs.

At least tomorrow will be Tuesday you tell yourself. But it will be the same. It will always be the same. It will always be Monday. Until you die.

Your alarm goes off and you force your head from the pillow. It’s Tuesday. You half-recollect faded dreams of childhood summers and flying like a bird but it’s Tuesday so there’s no time for that. Today you must complete your work. Maybe Tuesday will be your good news day.

You arrive at the office early so that you can get a head start. You switch on your PC and immediately a screen pops-up saying you must restart in order to install essential updates. It gives you no choice to refuse. You click restart and wait. And wait and wait and wait...

You are staring at a blue screen and your PC won’t turn on again. You call the IT helpdesk but you’re early so nobody answers. You go buy a coffee to kill time. The coffee queue is long with the morning rush. Your supervisor scolds you for being 3 minutes late when you return.

You call the IT helpdesk and a heavy accent tells you that you must use your PC to log a helpdesk ticket. You explain you cannot open your PC so you can’t log a service ticket. The heavy accent says you must log a ticket. After 10 minutes you hang up.

You walk physically to the IT department. Deepak & Prakash ignore you while they have a fervent conversation in Hindi. Eventually you raise your voice and ask for help. Deepak says you must raise a ticket. Saira from Sales arrives and asks for help. She is assisted immediately.

You stand your ground as you have no other choice. Deepak asks if you have tried turning your computer on and off. You roll your eyes, swear under your breath, and say “yes”. Finally Deepak agrees to check out your PC.

Deepak sits down at your desk. He turns the PC off and then on again. The PC now turns on immediately with no problem whatsoever. Deepak glares at you. When he’s gone you notice that one of your French chocolates have disappeared. It’s now 11am.

You open Outlook and wait for the folder to update. Suddenly you hear a “Hi!”. It’s Zoe from HR. She wants to thank you for the birthday cake and then proceeds to monologue about how her husband (who works in banking) plans to treat her for her birthday weekend. It’s now 11.30.

Politely - meekly - you gently tell Zoe that you have enjoyed the conversation but have work to do. She looks at you and says “Well you have a nice day.” Finally you open your emails. 5 minutes later you receive an email from Zoe saying she did not appreciate your tone just now.

Zoe thinks that you could work on your workplace language and that tone “is something you can work on”. She thinks it will help to make the office a #greatplacetowork. She sends you an invite for an all-day training on “Respect” for tomorrow. She signs off with “Kind regards”.