Mencius Moldbugman

1. Zoé actually lands herself a French boyfriend. Typically these can be bagged at classes at the Alliance Francais or hanging around fancy Shanghai restaurants. Zoé will be ecstatic at having her very own Frenchman, and all will be good for a little while.pic.twitter.com/4AiXhpzftY

However, she will be inevitably heartbroken when the Frenchman's naturally unfaithful ways result in him announcing one day that he has another girl pregnant. Zoé will then realise she's 28, start speaking normally again and marry an accountant from Ji'nan ten years her senior.pic.twitter.com/jaClO0UDUy

(The Frenchman will, of course, go on to do what comes naturally to a Frenchman: miscegenation with an African) Les grands-parents pleurentpic.twitter.com/wIBWghj1pV

Or she may follow the 2nd route: Zoé may actually GO to Paris and by doing so receive the biggest existential shock of her entire life.pic.twitter.com/A9oqorz8Mn

Far from being the Paris she imagined of whimsical pixie-haired girls riding bicycles and mime artists playing accordions, she will discover that Paris is in fact a huge and quite dirty city full of dog shit, smelly trains, and - quelle horreur! - lots and lots of blacks & Arabs.pic.twitter.com/axwNnBdE1g

Zoé will attempt to keep her illusions intact by confining herself to Montmartre and taking selfies in cafes but will finally admit the truth when mugged outside the Moulin Rouge. Then it's just a taxi back to Charles de Gaulle airport and a final farewell to la vie belle.pic.twitter.com/LgI03q2d72

Fun fact: you can have great fun with a Zoé by catching her out on her pretentiousness. When Zoé states that she loves French jazz, just simply ask her "Name me a French jazz singer who isn't Edith Piaf." The loss of face is delightful.pic.twitter.com/FwJAJuN7jd