5.The first few months of liberty from his daily commute and the office routine put a spring in his step. Finally, he thought, freedom.
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16.It was now summertime and as he didn't have any money saved for a vacation he took a sick leave from work and bought 5 bottles of vodka.
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17.For the next three days he mostly lied in bed; drunk, smoking, crying, the A/C cooling away the last sparks of will in his heart.
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18.The torment he experienced was indescribable. He kept repeating to himself like a mantra: "I give up. I give up. I give up".
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19.On the fourth day he woke up to something unusual: His mind was completely blank. He couldn't believe how serene he was.
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20.He could recall all the thoughts that tormented him so much yet he felt absolutely embodied and apart from them.
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21.He could only liken this state to the long-forgotten state of presence he used to be in constantly as a child.
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22.That night, he went out for a walk. He began thinking, but now his thoughts had a different quality to them.
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23.He didn't criticize or scrutinize them any longer, and they didn't object to him. They came as his breathing; to nourish and help.
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24.He knew everything would be OK. He didn't know why, but he knew that if he waited, he'd understand. And wait he did.
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25.As he made his way home that night, you could recognize him smiling every step of the way.
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26."Man, you look great. You look happy. I'm so happy to see it", his best friend Jack said as they walked through the autumn leaves.
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27."I thought we'd lost you there. What happened?", he asked. Max looked him in the eye and replied, "I stopped keeping score."
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28."What do you mean?", Jack asked. "I threw away the scorecard", Max said. "What's the scorecard?" Jack asked again.
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29.Journal Entry, July 17, 2017, Max's journal: (Song playing: The Beatles - I Am The Walrus)
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30."No one is keeping score but you. That scorecard only exists in imagination. Drop it. Forget it. It's making you sick.
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31.The scorecard is you keeping tabs on you. It's your own evaluation of yourself, in all of the aspects of your life.
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32.The scorecard is the equivalent of ego, your idea of yourself. It is your objectification of yourself, and the measure of that object.
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33.When that object fails to meet the standards and expectations you have of it, you feel the negative repercussions.
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34.A struggle against it begins, a struggle to make amends with your own self-loathing. An endless uphill battle.
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35.Yet no measure of success can appease the ego. There is always "more". There is always "better". And there is always "failure".
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36.What you really want is to live beyond this narrow, self-imposed structure of keeping score that is imprisoning you.
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37.Look around you! Who cares? Who really gives a fuck, expect you and your precious ego? Who else is keeping tabs?
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38.The scorecard is suffocating you. It is obstructing your self-expression. It is inhibiting action rather than enabling it.
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39.Comparison to an ideal always fails because ideals do not exist in this life. Love & respect ideals, but don't be their prisoner.
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40.Self-expression requires no justification. Stand as you are. Make your mistakes. Do what makes you come alive. Your life is YOUR life.
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41.Liberate yourself from your inner tyrant. You were always afraid to do it, thinking it would be a disaster. The tyrant is the disaster.
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42.There is no scorecard -your imaginary points are always shifting; they are never fixed. The "score" itself is helplessly inconsistent!
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43.Don't play the score game, it is the fool's gold. Why do it? The real gold is in your grasp! Your unique opportunity to be you and alive.
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44.To be alive is to revel in the uniqueness of your life. Not to be counting imaginary pebbles and measuring them against others' pebbles.
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45.Celebrate everything, it comes only ONCE in your life. Don't measure it. Don't miss it. Be there for it, learn from it, move with it.
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