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Contemplative field-note: Practice you fucks! When everything goes to shit, you'll be very glad you put in the hours and built a foundation. I just came out of a meeting with a psychologist who tells me that I'm basically burning myself out by trying to be normal. [1]
Since I graduated, my cognitive capacity has dropped dramatically. I got one of the highest grades in my year, and was told I could pursue my undergrad dissertation topic as a PhD candidate. Now I can barely think/write clearly about simple topics. [2]
Declining cognitive capacity is more than a little terrifying, especially when I was relying on it for food and security. Uncertain how temporary this is. But here's the point of this note: When you are faced with deep hope and fear, Sit with it, look at it, however you can. [3]
Death comes without warning. Declining capacity may come today. Now is the time to discover, and learn to trust, the openness of your being. My practice is really good right now. I have a high degree of equanimity and enjoyment with my sensory experience, however shitty. [4]
I'm taking her advice and changing my schedule, which will include a dramatic drop off in screen time. Here's a little poem I wrote recently. It's about all I can manage right now. [5]
When I breathe The air kisses Chöggie's heart. When I walk The ground kisses Ikkyū's feet. When I sit I sit between Ikkyū's Yes and Chöggie's No And mind kisses their depression With the lions roar: Ah Good morning to you, depression! Good morning to you, society! [6]
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