Mi'sen

Ok glass box, yea so, that was a thing. As we explored we'd bring the focus back to my relationships, again and again and I would just focusing introspection blurt out about them. Eventually something changed.

It's very very hard to trace causality in these things for me, there was just a notably felt change. I had crossed the door. I was inside the TV, playing with the other people.

Even how I perceived my therapist underwent a gestalt shift. He wasn't anymore Abstract Therapist that I was blurting out to, no longer a prop. He was [name redacted]. He was a person with a viewpoint, stance, opinion, feelings, moods, etc.

Reality was sweet again. I was inside it. I was playing with other people again. (Why was I outside to begin with? I think this is very contigent but basically by connection strategy was a rocky workout reel lol - I decided, unconciously, very young, to 'exit the world' and

train myself up to be extremely good at [weightlifting, persuasion, whatever] so that when I came back people would finally accept me.) This reminds me of Romeo's Stevens' 'human beings are born satisficiers but everywhere traumatised into maximizers'

So we get: 1. Focusing with therapist 2. Diaring and "focusing writing" 3. Emotion triangulation 4. Existential emotions, phenomenology of depression. 5. Skilled licensed therapist looking at relationships.

At this point this were ok. They were just ok. Not bad anymore. I didn't know I was doing it, it was not conscious but, coincidentally I picked meditation back up at this time. I had been trying to do Culadasa's concentration stuff for 7 years but body said no. Then

I learned about unlearning meditation and open access and did that. Attention would naturally go to my body's grounding or physicality and I let it be. After a while (not much really, 20 min a day over a month or so) something shifted again.