mindsale

The biggest downside to being white is that everyone assumes you've listened to their favorite true crime podcast.

I suppose I can no longer use "A Day Without A Woman" as the subtitle to my memoir.

I'm so relieved Trump didn't explode at the debates. I still have a few weeks to sell his campaign the url "http://Commander-in-Queef.com ."

If Bill Cosby learns Braille, will he have to slip the text Rohypnol before he runs his hands over it?

He's blind? I guess Bill Cosby puts the "degenerate" in "degenerative eye disease."

The most shocking revelation on last night's Game of Thrones was that Sansa Stark is taller than everyone but Wun Wun.

Just unreferentially asked a fella "Dude, where's my car?" Take me home, Jesus.

I can’t wait for that show on Sunday with all those white, reanimated corpses. I get so excited for 60 Minutes.

Tonight’s double-take courtesy of The Economist headline, “The Pope in Lesbos.”

In solidarity with Jesus, who agonized on the cross for 6 hours on Good Friday, I will endure the painful 2.5 hours of Batman Vs. Superman.

First Bankroll Fresh, then Phife Dawg, now Garry Shandling. It's been a rough month for hip-hop.

50% sure I have Zika, the mosquito-borne tropical virus. 100% sure I have Zima, the mosquito-born tropical malt liquor.

I really hope those self-driving cars get here before I have kids so they never have to learn how shitty I am at parallel parking.

Seeing The Revenant and then going hiking is the worst order to do those things.

First Bruce Lee, then Brandon Lee, and now Harper Lee. How much can one family endure?

I’m breaking my vegetarianism this Thanksgiving by pretending the holiday bird was Nazi war criminal Joseph Gobbles.

The most interesting thing I learned from the Steve Jobs biopic is that his birth name wasn't actually Steve. It was Han. Han Jobs.

The Martian was great. It was like Gravity but with a dude. "Gonadvity," if you will.

I can't decide which flick I want to see more - the biopic Steve Jobs, or Black Mass, the biopic about Steve Jobs' tumor.