I grew up in rural/small town Ontario in the 80s. For whatever reason, I don't remember boys & girls playing together much in elementary. Maybe other kids did, but certainly not my group of friends. We were friendly in class, but not recess or birthday party friends.
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Despite not having girls as friends, I do not remember a time where I *didn't* want a girlfriend. Long before I knew anything about sex, I wanted a girlfriend. But I was intensely shy and didn't really talk to my crushes. Until grade 8, when I wrote The Note.
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In grade 8, I wrote a note to a girl I had a crush on and left it on her desk. It was a long winded "I like you. I'm sure you don't like me but I wanted you to know." Weird & creepy. I know. She showed other people and I was teased about it for weeks. Mocked with quotes from it
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It hurt a lot. I couldn't understand how other kids were kinda flirting okay but me showing interest led to such mocking. (It was the note. Gr. 8 ME was not an emotional genius.) That could've been a forking path. But none of my immediate friends were flirting successfully either
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Sorta side note: I do remember an elementary sleep over with friends where we talked about our crushes, which didn't seem like a boy thing to do at the time. I wish now we had talked about feelings more
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The Note and the mocking afterward taught me that me liking girls was weird & unwelcome. My feeling that girls didn't like me or found me creepy stuck for a long time. It's still a foundation block of my self-doubt.
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Skip ahead to high school. I wasn't good at making friends but had friends who were. In grade 9, that led to girls becoming part of my friend group. Most of my friends & I joined the choir, which was a huge part of socializing with girls. Now I crushed on friends. Danger
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I had a cycle of pine for a friend complete without subtly, know she didn't like me, but still tell her in a note to get it off my chest. The response was always "Oh. Wow. I think of you as a friend. Plus, I like [other guy]". Normal for high school but hurtful at the time.
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It was creepy, Friend Zone behaviour. I know that now. I think I mostly knew that then. But I was confused and lonely. Plus, I was watching my friends pair up and wondered what was wrong with me. I was like them, wasn't I? Why didn't girls like me?
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I'd like to think that I blamed myself and not girls. Maybe that's me looking back with rose coloured glasses to make me feel better now. But it was definitely not far from some of the incel rhetoric I've seen. I was a short walk from that thinking
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Skip to grade 12 & prom. The couples were all going & the non-couples in our group were going together for cheaper tickets. When I asked if anyone wanted to go with me, one girl spoke up quickly. I thought nothing of it at first
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She was sweet and quiet, and I had never noticed her before because I was always interested in more outgoing girls. I mistook their outgoing nature for interest in quiet me.
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Another friend took me aside and said "She really likes you but is too shy to say anything. Be respectful." That changed my whole world. I didn't like her, but suddenly I was in the place I had put all my previous crushes. I didn't want to hurt her but I didn't want to date her
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I realized how shitty I had been. I didn't change overnight. It took years & more crushes. But I didn't write any more notes. I kept quiet and if something happened great! If it seemed like feelings were reciprocated, I would slowly spend more time with her. I got better slowly
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Part of incel rhetoric I see is devaluing anyone who actually likes you. Degrading them or seeing them as a lesser number than you. Guys aren't taught about to handle rejection AND we're not taught about respecting the feelings of others. We have to change that.
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