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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Emmy-nominated TV writer and comedian. Wrote a book about games and now writing another. Newsletter: tinyurl.com/ytjvhjsb Email: mikedruckerisdead @ gmail .com
New York, NYJoined November 2008
4,706 Following
203.9K Followers

Mike Drucker’s posts

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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
In "The Batman," they said Bruce Wayne's parents were murdered in October of 2001. Meaning if you go by release dates, it's possible they were leaving a screening of Zoolander when it happened
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
“But how should *I* feel if I’ve already paid off my student loan debt?” I dunno, maybe feel good that things will be easier for everyone after you? Are you also mad that you spent $3000 on a Gateway computer in 1998 and now everything is cheaper and faster? Grow the fuck up
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
At JFK. Guy behind the counter asks for a volunteer to give up a seat for $500. Nothing. "$550." The crowd suddenly coalesces to shout "HIGHER!" like it was a game show. "$750" "HIGHER! "800!" "NOT IN NEW YORK! GO HIGHER!" They applauded the elderly woman who took it at $1100.
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Depression isn’t a form of sadness. It’s not something that goes away if you just think about how good you have it or how successful you are. You can’t positivity it away. It lies to you about yourself and eats you from the inside and tells you that you alone make things worse.
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Twitter is like, “Hey, guys. After 15 years of effort I’m finally releasing my life’s work. I’m so proud of it and hope you like it” ✨4 likes, 3 retweets✨ “Good thing manatees are in water cuz they look like they’d have a smelly ass” ✨124,729 likes, 78,987 retweets✨
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
I can’t believe Elon Musk failed to deliver on a giant promise. Absolutely stunned by this development that has happened literally every time he’s promised something
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IGN
@IGN
BREAKING: Elon Musk has officially terminated his $44 billion deal to buy Twitter. ign.com/articles/elon-
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
The primary rule of Twitter is that if you ask a sincere question, you will only get joke responses and if you make a joke, you will only get deathly serious responses
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
“Keep politics out of music” is a fun way to say, “I want to benefit from your experiences without having to consider the tragedy behind how you got them.”
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Remember when we used to be mad that social media was mostly photos of people’s meals, and now when we see photos of people’s meals on social media we’re like, “Oh my god. Thank you so much for this brief respite from the unending nightmare.”
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Got my brother a full-sized inflatable T-Rex costume and he asked, “What am I going to do with this?” And it’s like, dress as a fucking T-Rex and stomp around. The lack of fucking vision in this family.
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
TWITTER USERS: It would be nice if you stopped people making death threats. TWITTER: OK, but what if those death threats could be LONGER?
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
If Elon Musk buys Twitter, I’m never signing in again until five minutes later when I’m bored and open the app without thinking
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
“Every time there’s a shooting” is definitely a phrase to start your defense of guns
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The Recount
@therecount
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) during gun violence hearing: “Every time there’s a shooting, we play this ridiculous theater … Democrats propose taking away guns from law-abiding citizens … it makes it worse.”
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
ME THROUGHOUT THE WEEK: “Can’t fucking wait for therapy. Can’t wait to tell my therapist how bad I feel. Everything is fucking awful I just hate being alive fuck” THERAPIST AT SESSION: “How have you been?” ME AT SESSION: “Pretty good, you know. Doing my best. You?”
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Replying to
@benshapiro
Ben, usually I'd joke, but I'm going to come at this honestly. There's a big difference between zip ties being carried by paramilitary forces invading the capitol and zip ties being carried by your wife so she can tie you to a chair and make you watch her have sex with other men.
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Last year Nazis killed a woman with a car and then people spent the next 365 days writing editorials asking if we’re too mean to them
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
The funniest thing isn’t us casually dunking on Kid Rock, it’s the fact that right now a SEAL Team Six of teenage Taylor Swift fans are in his mentions and will never stop until he is destroyed
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
“How will you feel if Bill Clinton gets implicated by Jeffrey Epstein?” I dunno - feeling pretty fucking good with my “any pedophile is bad” policy
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Crowds also booed Herbert Hoover at the World Series in 1931 because of the Great Depression. Baseball fans booing fuck up presidents is as American as it gets.
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Morning Joe
@Morning_Joe
"We are Americans and we do not do that. We do not want the world hearing us chant 'Lock him up' to this president or to any president." -- @JoeNBC
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Pretty weird that Republicans bring up 1984 every fucking second and then make laws requiring communities to report on each other if they notice anything the state doesn’t approve
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
if their work is that important, pay them like their work is that important
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Vox
@voxdotcom
A 10-day UPS strike would cost the economy more than $7 billion and be the costliest work stoppage in at least a century, according to a new study by Anderson Economic Group, which researches labor disruptions. trib.al/x0gCMOj
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Love to change my business logo to something that can’t be trademarked which means anyone can legally use it for whatever they want
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Eliot Higgins
@EliotHiggins
Elon "Graphic Design Is My Passion" Musk's logo for "X" is literally just Unicode Character “𝕏” (U+1D54F). compart.com/en/unicode/U+1
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
I can’t imagine anything more embarrassing than being an adult in a suit melting down because a child said science is real but here we are
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Comedians will tweet shit like, “The role of the comedian is to bring light into the darkness of all the terrors, tragedies, and fears we all share” and then you see them on stage and they’re like, “Married ass smells different than single ass!”
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Game of Thrones playing out like a Dungeons & Dragons game where the DM is moving so you gotta wrap the whole thing up in an hour
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Guys, stop with the conspiracies. All that happened was an extremely rich man who had proof that dozens of extremely powerful people were pedophiles committed suicide by himself while being on suicide watch with no footage whatsoever
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ABC News
@ABC
ABC NEWS SPECIAL REPORT: Jeffrey Epstein commits suicide overnight in his jail cell, officials tell @ABC News. pscp.tv/w/cB637DM3Mzg2
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Dune: “People use space drugs to travel through space and gain super powers” Me: “Alright” Dune: “Space drugs are only on a dirt planet with giant worms and also the new space messiah” Me: “Pretty reasonable” Dune: “There’s a character named Duncan Idaho” Me: “okay hold on
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Jacob Wohl trying to scam Robert Mueller is like the scene in the first 10 minutes of every Terminator film where a guy punches the robot and breaks his hand
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
BOOMERS: “Millennials don’t work hard enough” ALSO BOOMERS: “Why aren’t millennials taking three hour lunches and then coming back to work hammered?”
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Steve Cuozzo
@stevecuozzo
Millennials helped kill the power lunch nypost.com/2019/10/26/how via @nypost
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
CNN: "Elizabeth Warren, do you hate Bernie Sanders?" ELIZABETH WARREN: "No, in fact, we agree on many-" CNN: "Okay, shut up. Um, Bernie, do you hate Hickenlooper?" BERNIE: "Not really, but we disagree on the policy of-" CNN: "Don't care - ok um, who else uh: Beto, do you hate
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
America, where you can take away people’s rights by taking a guess at the intentions of dead people who would’ve been scared of a lightbulb
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
“How would you feel if you paid off your student loan debt and then everyone else’s was forgiven?” I dunno, man. Fucking fine? I was lucky enough to pay off my loans after 12 years - doesn’t mean I want other people to go through that shitty process, you fucking ghouls.
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
right now Twitter has the fun energy of a bar where everyone knows a fight is about to breakout but nobody knows who they’ll have to swing a chair at
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Anyway, remember like a week ago when some rich dork posted a meme that the right had stayed the same but the left had now moved too far away? Great times, great times
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
NINTENDO: Nintendo Labo is for kids and those that like kid stuff! ADULT GAMER: Okay, but what if I don't want it? NINTENDO: Totally fine. It's for kids. ADULT GAMER: Yes, but cardboard? Really? Not in my game room! NINTENDO: It's for kids. ADULT GAMER: But how is it for me?
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
People confused about Pete Davidson are like, “I don’t understand how this funny successful movie star that charmingly doesn’t care what people think pulls in so many women”
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
It's easy to be cynical, but there's nothing more inspiring than someone being born with only hundreds of millions of dollars and working their way up to billions of dollars.
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Forbes
@Forbes
At 21, Kylie Jenner becomes the youngest self-made billionaire ever on.forbes.com/6010EnGre #ForbesBillionaires
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Whenever you criticize a person who just died, you always get the response, "How would you feel if someone was happy *you* died?" Which, I dunno. I'd be dead. But also, if thousands upon thousands upon thousands of people are happy I died, it possibly means I did fucked up shit.
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Blizzard got caught destroying HR documents, so I’m glad they’ve changed their ways by renaming a cowboy
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IGN
@IGN
Overwatch is officially changing the name of McCree, in light of the Activision Blizzard lawsuit. bit.ly/3klGIEw
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Me: “Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed” Friend: “What was that?” Me: “That was Smash Mouth” Friend: “Who?” Me: “The band Smash Mouth” Friend: “That band doesn’t exist” Me: 🤭💡 Narrator: “Universal Pictures presents”
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Bernie Sanders: "Healthcare is a human right" Elizabeth Warren: "We must end the imprisonment of children at the border" John Delaney: "You guys - it's cheaper if we *bring* food to Disney World rather than *buy* food at Disney World"
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Please give Donald Jr. the same respect during this difficult time that he would have definitely given the Obamas if they were in the same situation.
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
I like that the three working theories for why Twitter broke are: 1.) Twitter is DDoSing itself because Elon is an idiot. 2.) Twitter is losing servers after the company ignored bills because Elon is an idiot. 3.) Twitter hopes to force people to pay because Elon is an idiot.
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Remember that time Republicans made it a national crisis when football players kneeled during the National Anthem, but now kids are in concentration camps inside abandoned circuit city stores and they’re like, “(shrug) What can you do?”
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
DOCTOR: “I’m sorry. You have cancer.” DORK: “No I don’t. Debate me!” DOCTOR: “I understand if you want a second opinion. In fact, I encourage it.” DORK: “Sounds like you won’t debate the issue because you know you’re wrong.” DOCTOR: “I’d love to be wrong.” DORK: “Then debate me!”
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Fun Fact: Dr. Phil is not a medical doctor. He has a PhD in clinical psychology, but he currently has no license to practice psychology in any state. So not only is he not qualified to give medical advice, he technically isn’t qualified to give it in his own profession. G’night!
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Acyn
@Acyn
Dr. Phil appears on Laura Ingraham and says we don’t shut the country down for automobile deaths, cigarette related deaths, and swimming pool deaths
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Conservatives love to pretend they’re bastions of edgy masculinity and then meltdown if someone is mean to them while they’re having a parfait
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
Republicans in 2016: “Oh so everyone you don’t like is a Nazi.” Republicans in 2020: “Not that there’s anything wrong with being a Nazi.”
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
I’m not smart with the dollars, but I feel like people not spending money because they’re inside their homes for 1-2 months is less bad than people not spending money because they’re buried in a mass grave
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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief...” ME: “Yes” GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before...” ME: “YES” GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online” ME: “I’m out”
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