Going through a really difficult time a few years ago, I found myself alone and unable to see any family or friends over the holidays at a point when what I needed most was people who cared near enough to support me. It couldn’t happen, and I panicked 1/
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whenever I tried to think about what I was going to do on that day, how I was going to just get through a day by myself that I always spent with loved ones. There’d be no table to set, no hugs and laughs, no snack crumbs to drop in the couch, no common table prayer, 2/
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no chattering over holiday music, no fighting over who does the cleaning up, no gifts exchanged, no tender goodnights, no warmth from the food and drink and company to carry me home on a cold night. Nothing. All I could look forward to was me by myself in a dirty house 3/
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I didn’t even want to live in, let alone try and celebrate anything in. I couldn’t see how I could possibly make it through that day on my own when I had never been all alone on a major holiday before in my life. But I made it. 4/
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I couldn’t go anywhere and nobody was coming to me, so I realized it was up to me to turn the day into something I could tolerate. I made it a movie day, and I made some of my favorite snack-ish foods from past holidays. And I bought a turkey frozen dinner 5/
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for me and cans of turkey dog and cat food for Rogue and Marley so we could eat together. I felt so stupid doing that at the time, like I was some kind of loser for having no actual people to celebrate with, and I’m crying over that pain even now, 6/
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but I made that holiday into something I actually, if painfully, enjoyed when every cell in my body told me that was impossible. I’m not looking forward to missing my family and friends this holiday season, but I know it’s possible to celebrate differently this year, 7/
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and that’s the choice I’m making for the safety of my friends, family, and community. If we celebrate apart this year, we’ll have the chance to be together next year. 8/8
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