Midsomer Murders Bot

A retired American woman is found buried neck-deep in pudding and eaten by Pudding Ants. Suspicion falls on Wookey Hole’s bowls club, angry that researchers who don’t understand how much this all means to the village might threaten pizza deliveries.

An Instagram influencer is found stabbed in the back with an ornate dagger at cricket match. Suspicion falls on Gumpton Marsh’s patron saint, angry that modernity itself might threaten to destroy the boarding school’s secret society.

A pornography baron is found killed by a bomb planted in the greenhouse. Suspicion falls on Monks Barton’s time travelling teenagers, angry that the disappearance of 35 million British hedgehogs might threaten the trout pond.

A celebrated cellist is found par-boiled in brine. Suspicion falls on Rooks Bridge’s circus troupe, angry that redevelopment and/or radical Islam might threaten the very survival of England.

A digital content person is found poisoned with a type of mushroom known as Destroying Angel. Suspicion falls on Beavers Dune’s chapter of the Nicholas Soames Society, angry that a nearby NATO airbase might threaten Causton’s chances at winning the Village of the Year award.

A local spinster is found waterboarded to death. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Sonning’s teen computer hacker, angry that doggers might threaten to turn England into a nation of coffee drinkers.

A local jam magnate is found starved to death following a no-deal Brexit. Suspicion falls on Midsomer St. Claire’s church community, angry that an increase in noise pollution might threaten to reveal the name of Dr Who.

A #NotAllMen mansplainer is found decapitated by trip wire whilst on motorcycle. Suspicion falls on Wetwang’s black-leather-clad digital photographers, angry that the disappearance of 35 million British hedgehogs might threaten supplies of “grow it big” cream.

Barnaby’s late uncle’s mistress’s husband is found sawn clean in two. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Vertue’s church community, angry that all-encompassing whiteness might threaten to turn England into a nation of coffee drinkers.

The town’s cantankerous children’s party planner is found suffocated in a vat of fairy floss. Suspicion falls on Rooks Bridge’s owl club, angry that efforts to curb industrial pollution in the town might threaten the annual remembrance of the monk massacre.

A secretarial student is found decoupaged to a 1950s walnut veneer sideboard. Suspicion falls on Minge Lane’s real ale appreciation society, angry that charity drinking games of pub locals might threaten crop circles.

A neurotic Jungian is found drowned in a mug of English Breakfast tea. Suspicion falls on Hyannisports’ witch, angry that aliens might threaten the Magic Old Tennis Court.

An overwrought iron distributor is found crushed in a giant-sized garlic press. Suspicion falls on Shitlingthorpe’s suspicious out-of-towners, angry that the new deer sanctuary might threaten the biggest and most beautiful wisteria in the country.

A wildlife reserve volunteer is found stuffed full of battenberg. Suspicion falls on Stratton-on-the-Fosse’s retired sunset watchers, angry that a disturbingly high Gini coefficient might threaten the Dogwalkers' Guild's annual buffing spree.

A #NotAllMen mansplainer is found quilled to death. Suspicion falls on Monks Barton’s Mosley appreciation society, angry that urination on garden gnomes might threaten to reveal that the postman’s visits to housewives are more about male intimacy than mail intimacy.

A lonely librarian is found as part of a giant fatberg in the sewers of Midsomer. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Chancy’s caretaker of the local paramilitary training ground, angry that the opening of an Aldi store might threaten craft beer.

A retired American woman is found with a three inches square piece of tripe blocking the wind-pipe. Suspicion falls on Monks Barton’s candid photographer, angry that meddling ornithologists might threaten the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

The squire and the parson is found dead in a puddle of black ooze. Suspicion falls on Upton Snodsbury’s beautiful, but mentally unstable girl, angry that Pizza Hut orders routed though Midsomer Mallow might threaten the Dogwalkers' Guild's annual buffing spree.

An overwrought iron distributor is found run over by a motorised bathtub. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Blighty’s twins, angry that a Hercule Poirot-inspired dance troupe might threaten the Magic Old Tennis Court.