How do Trader Joe’s employees have more patience than cops?
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Michael Ian Black
@michaelianblack
Michael Ian Black’s posts
You're saying this on TV.
If they stop tracking hurricanes there will be no hurricanes.
In the last year, I've eaten in a restaurant fewer times than the president has been impeached.
Undecided voter here: on one hand, Hunter Biden didn't commit any crimes, but on the other hand Trump's children stole money from their own cancer charity and are prohibited from ever running a charity again so I don't know who to vote for! UGH!
In lieu of flowers, the family of David Koch requests that mourners simply purchase a Republican politician.
In response to the rhetorical question, “So we should ban all guns because of a few isolated incidents?” I think we can now confidently answer, “Yes.”
Sure I love Elizabeth Warren, but would she make the best president? Yes.
One of the reasons I love Jim Gaffigan is that his comedy is infused with deep morality; to me, he and Jeanie represent the best of Catholicism. When the moral urgency of the moment bumps against his normally apolitical comedy, he chooses morality - even if it costs him.
They have two children named Phineas?
I would be in favor of getting rid of the Electoral College except I'm worried about how it will affect Southerners in the 1700's.
That song “We’re Not Gonna Take It” came out almost 40 years ago but I feel like we have, in fact, continued to take it.
Legalize pot. Legalize prostitution. And regulate the shit out of guns.
Maybe I missed it but has Trump once mentioned his sick wife?
The people who think trans women somehow cheapen their experience of womanhood are using the same argument opponents of gay marriage used when they said it would cheapen their straight marriage. It didn't. It doesn't. It won't.
As long as we're overturning settled law, I've got some thought about the Second Amendment.
Why stop at worst president ever? He might be the worst American ever.
Good job, Canada.
All these white dudes shooting shit up make me think maybe they *should* be replaced.
He might be gone in a few months. Crazy to think about the smoking wreck of a nation he's going to leave us with. Ruined economy, ruined global standing, bankrupt, 10,000s of dead Americans, and 35% of the country still claiming he's the second coming. The fuck we gonna do?
I think the problem is more that people don’t like getting shot.
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If you don’t like guns don’t buy one
All they have to do is wait until the weekend and then change the locks when he’s golfing.
MY OFFICIAL PRESIDENTIAL ENDORSEMENT THREAD!
As some of you know it’s been VERY difficult for me to make up my mind about whom to support this presidential election because, with Joe Biden and Donald Trump, you've got two GREAT candidates.
If you can take a covid test from home, you should be able to vote from home. Is that how this works?
As far as I’m concerned there’s only one Great Replacement Theory.
Furious at Dr. Fauci for trying to combat a novel epidemiological disaster in real time using the best information he had.
In fairness, Kyle Rittenhouse only killed two people. It’s not like he was smoking weed.
Sad news. Our shitty little rat dog Jack-Jack died tonight after experiencing respiratory failure. We adopted him two years ago and he was a sweet companion who enjoyed being petted, chasing squirrels, and shitting on the floor. We loved him and will miss him.
I understand that there's a left/right culture war in this country but what exactly is conservative culture? Kirk Cameron movies? The guy who paints Trump riding a motorcycle? The town in Footloose that doesn't allow dancing? Like what is their actual cultural vision of America?
I gotta be honest, Ritz. I don’t see myself making one of these.
I don’t understand - why aren’t you insulting anybody?
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Congrats to the USWNT! A great performance from a great team—looking forward to Sunday. #OneNationOneTeam
I don't think anybody wants to erase history. I think they want to finally acknowledge it.
Do you guys remember when Donald Trump lost the 2020 election for, like, 60 days in a row?
My air fryer arrives today. I just know this will be thing that saves my marriage.
Reminder: Mike Pence has been the Enabler-In-Chief for four years. Mitch McConnell has been the wingman. Lindsey Graham has been a sniveling handmaiden. None of them get a pass now because they did the right thing yesterday.
Hear me out: Melania is starting to look like Trump.
Praying for Trump’s speedy recovery so he can go to jail.
About a year and a half ago, I decided to write a book for my son, a high school senior, about boyhood and manhood. My goal: to finish it before he leaves for college. He leaves next Wednesday. I finished it today. "A Better Man" comes out Father's Day 2020.
I didn't like that 60 Minutes interview with Obama. Too many cogent thoughts and well-formed sentences. NO THANKS!
In the past couple weeks a 6-year-old shot his teacher and a 72-year-old committed a massacre. It's the guns.
Can we agree that the first bowl of cereal is a warm up?
Replying to
That said, five kids is a little excessive.
My daughter made me this birthday cake. (Pictured: birthday cake, daughter)
I'm going to finally say something I've been holding in for a long time: I was never a fan.
I'm kind of ok with a war on white supremacists?
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Tucker Carlson warns viewers they could be targets of “war on white supremacists”
mediamatters.org/tucker-carlson
Yes the Dems had the Obamas, Hillary, Elizabeth, Bernie, Billie Ellish, Colin Powell, and John Legend but I’m not going to make up my mind until I hear what the St. Louis gun wavers have to say.
I've never heard anybody debate who was the worst First Lady in American history, but I definitely know the answer.
They’re basically shutting down Beijing because of a second wave but I’m sure a Trump rally in Tulsa will be fine.
When you put your hands together to pray, are they sticky from all the blood on them?
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Devastating. Heidi and I are lifting up in prayer the family of the U.S. Capitol Police officer who tragically lost his life keeping us safe. He was a true hero.
Yesterday's terrorist attack was a horrific assault on our democracy. Every terrorist needs to be fully prosecuted. twitter.com/frankthorp/sta…
Back to not worrying about every cabinet pick because I know they’ll be serious and competent people who probably believe in things like math.
It needs to be said: everything at Dunkin Donuts only tastes about 80% as good as I want it to taste.
It’s impossible to disentangle the current Republican Party from white supremacy.
As a voter, I have never understood allegiance to political parties They exist to serve our interests, not the other way around. I tend to vote Democratic, but would turn on them in a heartbeat if they betrayed my values. Why are Republicans hellbent on defending this monster?
Laying next to my wife in bed and just bought an air fryer without her knowledge. I’ve never felt so alive.
Can we now put to bed the idea that there is a war against Christianity? If anything the war is being waged by them.
If you find yourself getting tired of social distancing, try spicing things by adding emotional distancing to the mix!
Biden was not my first, second, or even third choice to be the Democratic nominee but I’m so glad he’s going to be my president.
As one of the few Jews who has made love to Bradley Cooper, it's fine.
It seems like the last couple weeks the US just shrugged our collective shoulders and said, "Fuck it, let 'em die."
It's kind of amazing that out of all the Americans we could have chosen to be president, we literally picked the worst one.
I think it's funny when people zing presidents for speaking from a teleprompter, like the most powerful person in the world is just supposed to get up there and riff.
Starting to get worried about which excuses I'm going to use to avoid going anyplace post covid.
Yeah, the Trump Mob was bad but it's not like they knelt during the national anthem.
Household question: what's the best way to get a stain off a country?
Honestly, if you're getting the tuna at Subway whatever happens is your fault.
This is fucked up
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Born Aug. 12, 1971, actor and comedian Michael Ian Black is 18,530 days old today. That matches Wilford Brimley's age on the day 'Cocoon' was released. Congratulations @michaelianblack! You've reached the Brimley/Cocoon Line.
I hope Biden’s pick for Attorney General is a real motherfucker.
I hope everybody goes home and hugs their guns a little tighter tonight.
It’s so crazy that all the politicians we think are bad people turn out to be bad people.
Why stop there? Let's also have armed guards in every pew of every house of worship, behind every movie screen in every movie theater, in every cubicle in every office building, and hidden inside each clove of garlic at the fucking garlic festival.
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Presidential adviser Sean Hannity: "I'd like to see the perimeter of every school in America surrounded, secured by retired police ... have one armed guard on every floor of every school, all over every mall, the perimeter and inside every hall of every mall."
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This didn’t age well.
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Senate will be funny today.
A female referee?!? What’s next,
more female referees???
Still find it funny that they call themselves Proud Boys, like they just learned to make boom booms in the toilet all by themselves.
I just want to live long enough so that when I die everybody goes, "I thought he was already dead."
Is there any social issue in American history in which the conservative point of view has led to a greater good? Because I can’t think of one.
Just so I understand this, the same NRA that was just named by the Senate as a foreign agent of Russia is now offering to fund our president’s impeachment defense in exchange for him continuing to let Americans slaughter each other with assault weapons? Cool, cool.
If you're wondering why I wrote my new book, A BETTER MAN: A (MOSTLY SERIOUS) LETTER TO MY SON, this tweet kind of sums it up.
I'll support any Dem but this thing with Bernie not releasing his medical records is straight-up bullshit. Dude is almost 80 and just had a heart attack. Seems like we should get a peek under the hood before hiring him.
Michelle Obama really should apologize for giving the same speech Melania would deliver several year later.
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Told my wife and mother of my children to hold off on vacuuming until tomorrow. Happy Mother's Day.
Wasn’t it Rick Wilson who said everything Trump touches dies...
All I ask is that nobody goes near Ruth Bader Ginsburg for a while.
Replying to
On the one hand, you’ve got Joe Biden, a former senator and vice president who has lived his life of public service with dignity and humility. On the other, you’ve got Donald Trump, a bankrupt racist who ran a fake university. So it’s tough.
I mean, this is literally a picture of a blue wave.
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In 2016 Republicans ended with a 0.6% turnout advantage in #Florida
Just wait until you see what it is this time
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One of the things Chappelle could have chosen to not do is everything he's doing right now.