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Sure money talks, but why is it always telling me to kill people?
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How do you politely ask your wife to stop talking while
@ladygaga is performing?#SuperBowl#PepsiHalftime#ladygagaThanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo -
Sneak peak of Blade Runner 2049! Can't wait for it come out in 33 years!!!
#bladerunner#BladeRunner2049https://www.google.com/amp/ew.com/movies/2016/12/19/blade-runner-2049-first-footage-ryan-gosling-harrison-ford/amp/ …Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo -
At birthing class. Instructor played video to give us a sense for what actually happens during
#birth. She put on "Apocalypse Now"!pic.twitter.com/H3WbYbJKMO
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#ElectionFinalThoughts Alienating: Like we suddenly learned a secret society of lizard people live amongst us, and they've taken control.Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo -
#ElectionFinalThoughts Shocked mourning: Like someone I knew suddenly died: "I just saw her the other day--and she was smiling."Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo -
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If there's a crack of light in the smoggy outcome of
#Election2016, it's that the Missouri senate race was between Blunt and Kander.Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo -
I feel contempt, revulsion. It's the greatest failure of democracy, in working perfectly, to produce such a bad outcome.
#ElectionResultsThanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo -
Now that
#Elections2016 is coming to an end, what are boring people going to talk about?Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo -
If you enjoy listening to idiots ramble for an hour, listen to
@MrMidnightSnack#podcast, special guest: me!https://twitter.com/mrmidnightsnack/status/792126161044303878 …Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo -
No, you're the puppet!
#debatenight#debates2016pic.twitter.com/vDqcHON77I
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Wow,
@HillaryClinton clobbered#trump on stiffing/exploiting#immigrants.#ImWithHer#debatenightThanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo -
Maybe it’s that my wife is pregnant, but
@HillaryClinton‘s answer on Women’s Right to Choose is perfect.#imwithher#debates2016#abortionThanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo -
Anyone who believes all life is precious has obviously never been to a
#Trump rally.#debates2016#debatenight#imwithherThanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo -
What channel are presidential debates on tonight?
@ComedyCentral, right?#debatenight#debates2016Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo -
Match is sure to be a real "pussygrabber" - and by that I mean, a gentlemanly exchange between me and a giant pussy,
@sandipsencomic#CFChttps://twitter.com/ComedyFightNYC/status/788790413264052224 …Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo -
What channel are the next presidential debates on?
@ComedyCentral, right?#debate#debates2016Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo -
Sure, the history books won’t write about him, but this man, this courageous lunatic, is an unsung
#hero.#LSDhttp://wnyt.com/news/michael-orchard-man-accused-of-stealing-dog-in-halfmoon-saratoga-county/4291294/ …Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo -
Follow up from Carl Becker on
#debatenight#debate2016: Describe what flower the other candidate smells like.Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo -
Wow, Carl Becker throwing a curveball on
#debatenight#debate2016. Most adorable question of the night.Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
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