I'm training to be a counselor for Crisis Textline (CTL), an asynchronous resource for cooling people down from hot moments. Already, I've learned a lot. CW suicide etc. Thread:
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The guidelines are consistent with Authentic Relating (AR) and Non-Violent Communication (NVC). It's about empathy and listening, not judging, sympathizing, or trying to fix problems. broke: "I'm sorry" "have you tried X?" woke: "I hear you" "what does help look like for you?"
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Longer conversations aren't more helpful. Once you build rapport, explore the issue, know what they're looking for, collaboratively search for solutions together, and make a plan, stop! Rumination and repetitive circling around are easy patterns to fall into.
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The CTL training is installing new conversational software into willing + compatible people. To start, everyone sounds robotic. The software isn't integrated. "Uh, I'm hearing that you're feeling..?" Then when it's internalized, we can mod it and add in our own flavor.
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My intuition is to ask "why" when something is upsetting. According to the data, conversations with "why" are the least useful. Why? I dunno. "Why" can put people on the defensive and focus on the wrong things. "How" is linked to the most effective conversations
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"Why did you feel that way when she said that?" or "Why did she say that?" can instead be phrased as "Can you share more about how you felt when she said that?" or "It sounds like this has been happening for some time. How has she been upsetting you?"
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End of conversation
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