M Beazy

Swedish House Mafia is just One Republic techno

Hey people claiming they've taken a magical "drama free" pill: that won't cure the herpes you got in the 8th grade.

Reverse FatBooth: An app for fat people to see if they'll be pretty when they are skinny so they know if it's even worth it to lose weight.

If karma really existed, nobody would survive their "birthday week"

The only way I'm celebrating Easter is if we all agree to call it what it really is: the original "The Walking Dead" day.

Just curious, all you guys with double-ear piercings, did your mom rape you with a candlestick or a broom handle?

I'd like to request a moment of silence for the 11 year old girl that just yelled "YOLO SWAG" at me. May she die in the near future.

Hearing someone with a southern accent fail at pronouncing "emancipation proclamation" makes me think that's why they opposed it originally.

MISSING: Anyone who goes by their last name instead of their first name and isn't a total cunt.

New rule for flying: you AND your bags may not weigh more than 250lbs. If you weigh 250+lbs, no luggage.

The smoke coming from the Vatican isn't indicating a selection. It's actually the next Pope's racial preference for 7 year old boys.

Why do fat people wear the tackiest clothes? You're already blocking half my view, hold the gold sequins and the magenta pleather leggings.

In terms of natural selection, I'm still not sure if driving with my knee is a positive or negative trait

The top cause of MS is people trying to pronounce "sclerosis" without having an aneurism.

I know eugenics is a touchy subject but there must be something we can do about people who put stuffed animals in their car's back window.

The deepest, darkest ring of hell is reserved for those couples who only post pictures of themselves in ads seeking a dog sitter.

Quality over quantity: watching a girl in a burqa trying to make the slits of her eyes look sexy at Sephora.

It's pretty ironic that most people with "In God We Trust" license plates will probably go to hell just for their driving alone.

Someone can kill someone and be covered in blood; but if they're wearing a quarter-zip, then I'll still be hesitant to think they did it.