My mother: There are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Me: ok Ma, I've got a serious drinking opportunity.
My mother: I don't find you as funny as you find yourself. 
Day B4 I left 4 college 1973: Dad: If U want friends don't talk about 3 things sex religion & politics Me: What else is there? [uncomfortable pause] Sports? Dad: Yeah, sports. & if they assign U a roommate who's funny, get that changed. Me: But I like jokes
