I believe in salary transparency in the workplace and also at the top of your wedding registry.
Pinned
mah ree nah’s posts
My dog figured out that I’ve been hiding an allergy pill in his breakfast, and leaves it defiantly on the floor. So I started hiding TWO pills in there. He only ever finds the one. HAHAHA YOU GOT PLAYED MY MAN enjoy not having allergies lol
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I don't know why we have three different pig emojis but it's great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖
🐷
🐽
Several reporters today were walking around asking writers how long we’d *actually* be willing to strike. I don’t know dude, how long do you think it’ll take 11,000 unemployed writers to run out of sign ideas? #wgastrong #writersstrike
Obsessed with this man at the dog park wearing a “NO F*CKS GIVEN” hat. My dude, you bought a censored hat so you wouldn’t get in trouble. We got one fuck right there.
imagine being so disliked that 4 days before your inauguration you start paying to send desperate FB ad invites to "person, 27+"
Portrait of the moment I realized my grandmom’s Christmas cookie recipe was for TEN DOZEN cookies, not two dozen.
WHAT UP TEENS, IT'S YOUR COOL FRIEND INSTAGRAM! LET'S TALK ABOUT COACHELLA! FAM IS LIT, BAE!
Just found a photo series in my camera roll that documents the time I thought I could shop for new planters by first measuring my plants...with my hands???
Replying to
“Does anyone want to go in on a $200 trash can?” she asked the group thread 🫠
My perfect night:
At 20 - Going out with the girls
At 30 - In bed by 10, reading a book on cults
At 40 (?) - In bed by 8, loosely affiliated with a cult
At 50 (??) - Running a cult, back at it with the girls
Replying to
Maybe you come home sooner, your boots don’t eat themselves idk
Unpaid internships taught me a lot actually?? Like how putting Lawry’s salt on pasta is cheaper than sauce, or how your school library is a great place to steal toilet paper.
Two years ago I saw a nun jump a subway turnstile to catch her train and I have thought about her every single morning since.
No. No. You do not get to bring your bike on the train during rush hour. You made your choice. You ride that bike straight to hell.
Replying to
Okay but in my version I don’t have to wake up and put my hand in peanut butter every morning
hello yes I'd like to request a wellness check on the Glossier product review section
I really love and respect the environment until the moment I’m given power to control the temperature of a hotel room.
So you’re saying that you’ve already seen the link I sent you? Oh, okay, because when I saw it, I thought of you. And I guess when you saw it, you thought I could go fuck myself?
Replying to
Studio CEOs are willing to invest ENDLESSLY in themselves, with annual salaries in the 10’s and 100’s of MILLIONS of dollars. But when it comes to the people who create these shows and films out of thin air, they actively work to find new ways to pay us less.
Replying to
“We’re friggin lousy with birds over here! You wanna take a couple off my hands or what?”
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don't have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Hot tip: Mike Pence is an insane and terrible monster. vox.com/platform/amp/2
Shout out to the first hip hop producer to be like "No, trust me. Just giggle to yourself once on this track before you start rapping."
How did we, as a society, allow technology to go from people-driving cars to self-driving cars and COMPLETELY SKIP dog-driving cars???
If you're wondering how NYers deal with terror-related delays, when they made this announcement at my station, a guy next to me yelled "well then where's the fucking F train?!" and everyone was like "great point u owe us a train"
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1, 2, 3, A, C, E, N, Q, R, W and 7 train are bypassing 42 St. See mta.info for full details.
Replying to
“That’s so weird because I got you a priceless antique grandfather clock. I guess lmk if you find it, girlie!!”
My mom sent me a time capsule I made for myself almost two decade ago. There was one suuuuuuper fatal flaw.
Replying to
Hey, take it easy on her, she probably feels like a 100 million dollar plastic bag right now
Coming February 3rd!! Every episode is a new whodunnit that answers the age-old question: “Which celebrities would be good at solving murders??”
I’ll never forget the time my parents bought me a bike, put on the training wheels, drove me to a park, lifted me onto the bike, gently pushed me forward as they walked alongside, and I became a self-made bike rider.
Why is this section of the emoji keyboard is called "objects" and not "heist movie"
On a crowded subway and a woman just locked eyes with a man across the train and said, "Do you even remember me?"
We all hope he does.
If One Direction fans are this upset about someone leaving the group, please no one tell them about human mortality.
Just about the best email you can get at 10am on a Tues. Honored to be included on #30Under30 2017! forbes.com/30-under-30-20
Every clothing website and physical clothing store should have a section called "Dresses with Pockets."
My father recently revealed that he’s never tried Eggs Benedict because “that man was a traitor.”
Seems a bit unfair for this Wednesday to have such a Thursday energy.
Some personal news: I'm learning to love breakfast tacos!!
Some professional news: I'm writing on @IISuperwomanII's new show!! See you Sept 16th!!
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Exclusive: Lilly Singh (@IISuperwomanII)'s NBC late-night show gets premiere date, sets showrunner and writers' room thr.cm/26Pe4o
Worried about losing your wireless Airpods? For just $59.99, let me send you my new invention. #AppleEvent
Replying to
Oh no worries if we run out of sign money, we’ll just flip them over and write on the back.
Replying to
Pretzels are just the journey you take to reach the REAL snack— a pile of loose salt.
Getting proposed to is a real power move bc someone rambles on about how amazing you are and then you just hit 'em with a one word answer.
Holy mother of pearl I cannot sing the praises of enough. I have been binge-watching and crying and laughing. and Tan are TREASURES.
My mom just texted to ask me if I knew the name of “that actress who plays everything in famous movies.” My opening guess was Nicole Kidman, feeling optimistic we can narrow this down during the next in 3-6 months.
When I was six, I begged Santa for a Puppy Surprise but didn’t get one. A few years ago, my mom found an unopened one on eBay and surprised me. I cried for roughly 20 minutes. Merry Christmas!!
It’s hard to pinpoint exactly how long I’ve had anxiety, but as a child I remember my mom saying I couldn’t use the free blood pressure machine at CVS and me assuming it was because it would crush me to death.
I think it’s crazy when other people have an inbox with a bunch of unread messages. Thank god I only do extremely sane things like this
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Beyoncé you can't SURPRISE RELEASE a full live album on WEDNESDAY!! This isn't workplace legal I'm over here about to hit the first person who cuts me in line for the copier with a ten minute step routine. #BeyonceHomecoming
#1stCartoonCrush?
❌ Aladdin
❌ Hercules
❌ John Smith
❌ Tarzan
❌ Li Shang
✅ Medieval Fox With An English Accent From A 1970's Movie
What’s the point of being married if you’re not gonna buy a 5 ft skeleton and move it to a new location every morning to terrify your husband while he gets ready for work
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This speech sounds like someone who both learned a subject existed, and that he needed to give a speech on it, precisely 10 minutes ago.
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Replying to @ddale8
This is a full transcript of President Trump's speech to his Black History Month event.
I think about this perfect tweet a lot, especially during the holiday season. t.co/nnhuEGZWUU
This post is unavailable.
My mom volunteers at an animal rescue and if I’m nice she sends me pics of the dogs while she’s there. Today’s perfect creature: Wally.
Replying to
Me at the plant store, "Yes, I'm looking for something that's three gentle hand rests around, for a plant that's one high-five tall."
I like the new show so much and it's not even about British people competitively making profiteroles!!
🎶 I believe the children are our future, teach them Final Cut & build their brand /
Show them how to start a vlog with "What's up guuuys" 🎶
I can’t decide if adding an anchovy to my dirty martini would be disgusting or how I win a James Beard Award.
I'm the exact kind of Catholic who did not go to Mass today but has issued a very strict decree in our apt that we are 100% watching #JesusChristSuperstarLive
Why I feel smoking is one of the safest forms of breathing right now #spons
If someone played "Ted Cruz watching porn on the anniversary of 9/11" in Cards Against Humanity I'd be like, "that's a bit much."
Isn't it rich?
Are we a pair?
Me here, at last, on the ground
You in
#SondheimGifs
GIF
It’s 2021 and I no longer have the emotional bandwidth to ~hide~ bringing a tampon to the bathroom. New options:
- Playfully toss in the air
- Tuck behind ear
- Say “420 baby” & pretend to smoke
- Kick down hall, rip off shirt, scream “GOALLLL”
- Hold in hand calmly???
Replying to
I use it exclusively to monitor the deadness in my eyes
Replying to
just got a fresh $100 for your garbage mentions
Sometime early in the pandemic, I started signifying the end of my work day and the start of a weekend by playing “Lime In The Coconut” at a ludicrous volume. And frankly, I’m never going back.
I mean at what point do we just find out the entire cabinet is a family of Russian bears who stole costumes from a high school theater dept
A full week ago I said hello to someone in a hallway that I didn't actually know and I'm still not done feeling embarrassed about it.
My life has improved DRAMATICALLY since the moment I realized that when a store clerk asks for your email address you can just say, “No.”
Today Facebook resurfaced this nice picture I tried to take of my friend's dog
I don't know if I'm ready to let a new #Serial into my life. I got so confused during the last one I briefly suspected that I was the killer
My 67 year old mother just performed stand up for the first time in her life and was absolutely hilarious. She is my hero.
