Ordinary Banana

housemate is moving out now. I leave Thursday. most of the furniture is gone with him. (he is coming back to pick up the pictured sofa)

change is coming. it would frustrate me that so much of what entered our home, came in precisely because my ex was here to help bring it in, maintain it. he was sort of built into those decisions. I still have his desk & chair, his huge pillows, to move or care for.

I thought he wanted a life together, too, and would do his duty to care and attend to that life, to this impending end-of-lease. Turns out, no. There are people who don't consciously strive for the life they'd like, who are instead passive and act only in reaction.

A lack theory of mind, but for oneself? A disparity in ambition? A suspension in ones capacity to actually change or actualize things? Learned helplessness? Executive dysfunction that doesn't even tolerate being challenged? Slice and dice it as you want. I'm here; he's not.

I am losing my patience for akrasia. I think it's important to dispell/disarm such language which prohibits room to go naturally astray of diagnosis. Self fulfilling prophecy. I think framing decisions as self sabotage is more helpful, relocalizes the responsibility to oneself.

Anger is good fuel for packing and moving heavy boxes, it turns out.

People who don't remotely try to live a life in accordance to their values are morons. Derpression and anxiety, and so on, are real. But it's fucked up to evade having responsibility, delegate it to some walled concept which squashes and disregards the power of self-driven change