I mean yes, I miss my partners. I miss having someone around every night to hang out with and talk to. That part isn’t great. But consider, since I find myself here anyway, that I can and should also reflect on the really cool, fun parts of it too.
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After my first big relationship ended, it was the first time I’d ever lived by myself. First I had my family, and then roommates. Then I lived with my ex. It’s deliriously fun playing house for the first time when you’re 20 and in love. So being alone was terrifying.
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I dated people, but most of those were flings and rarely got serious enough that anyone was coming over consistently. It was weird and sad and scary to live and be by myself. It wasn’t something I had ever wanted really. I really like being around people and chatting a lot.
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I used to sit on the patio of my apartment once in a while and smoke cigarettes and drink whiskey and stare across the street at an old One Way sign in the alley behind me, thinking about the weird, fading sign as a metaphor for getting older and being alone.
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Who puts a one way sign in the middle of an alley, by the way? How on earth is that supposed to be helpful?
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Anyway, eventually I got bored of being melodramatic and started just hanging out with myself to pass the time. I watched a lot of movies, went to bed super late, left art projects all over, drank wine, played the piano, and basically just started loosening up and having fun.
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It was the first time I’d ever just gotten to do literally whatever I wanted to with no rules, restrictions, or limitations imposed by other people in my space. That’s... really pretty neat.
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Just as I started to appreciate how neat it was, and how independent I could really be, I got into my second major relationship. It was lovely. But I wish I had explored the full extent of learning to be single and enjoy hanging out with myself back then. I was so close!
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I feel like I’m kind of picking up where I left off now and just barely venturing back into that appreciation. It’s pretty all right so far.
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I like talking to my cat and I like that she sleeps on the bed now and cuddles with me more now that it’s just us. I like washing one bowl after using one bowl so there’s no dishes. I like watching trashy YouTube videos till midnight while high earnest-posting my life.
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I like playing silly pop music in the mornings and dancing while I sing along because no one is around to object I like not having a TV in the living room and spending the evening making art or reading and listening to music until I feel like going to bed
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I like decorating the walls however I want, without consulting anyone, and I like that I picked out all the prints and art because it spoke specifically to me I like just eating soup or salad for meals and not having to argue about it I like that everything is where I leave it
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These things are all good and I feel like it’s important to think about that and enjoy this time for what it is, for however long I’m going to be here.
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