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levity's profile
Lawrus
Lawrus
Lawrus
@levity

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Lawrus

@levity

wondering about everything • coding & cat-herding at @makerdao • existence precedes essence—or does it? ☯

Santa Cruz
Joined March 2007

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    1. selentelechia‏ @selentelechia 23 Jul 2019
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      If I wanted to explain my anxiety, for instance, I might under this model say: I became anxious about X so I could believe people would give me permission to stop doing X More stories, ofc.

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    2. selentelechia‏ @selentelechia 23 Jul 2019
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      Enter the idea of separating tasks. This was a really cool explanation of something I've seen other people groping at before.

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    3. selentelechia‏ @selentelechia 23 Jul 2019
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      Don't take on other people's tasks. In the anxiety example, my task is, I think, to decide whether or not to do X, and act accordingly. The task of deciding whether or not I was "justified," deciding how other people feel about my decision: not my task.

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    4. selentelechia‏ @selentelechia 23 Jul 2019
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      This forces you to frame *other* people as high-agency, too. I've referred to my tendency wrt other people's emotional Tasks as "emotional stage-managing" The book is pretty clear that this is a recipe for misery, and I 100% buy it.

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    5. selentelechia‏ @selentelechia 23 Jul 2019
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      I think lots of people have stumbled onto the idea that we should separate these tasks, and I see it in models of communication like Guess v. Tell Culture, Crocker's Rules, etc

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    6. selentelechia‏ @selentelechia 23 Jul 2019
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      An example of me trying to manage someone else's task: when I started this thread I almost included "and I have some downtime at work" to give myself a plausible story, to keep people from thinking "wtf is she doing on twitter at work"

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    7. selentelechia‏ @selentelechia 23 Jul 2019
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      But managing other people's assumptions and feelings about my work ethic aren't my task. :P

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    8. selentelechia‏ @selentelechia 23 Jul 2019
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      while this separation of tasks might seem cold or mutually exclusive with real connection, the book argues that you need some distance in any relationship to really obtain a sense of "community feeling."

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    9. selentelechia‏ @selentelechia 23 Jul 2019
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      And this seems true? When you're constantly managing your behavior with an eye to gaining social reward or avoiding social punishment, you can end up in a knot of implicit obligations, resentments, unexpressed expectations And it binds you to a much smaller community

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    10. Lawrus‏ @levity 23 Jul 2019
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      Replying to @selentelechia

      Another angle here: I’ve been reading “Passionate Marriage”, which talks about “differentiation” (separating tasks) as key to intimacy. In your metaphor, if you are knot-free, you can stay close to someone without getting “tangled in” them.

      1 reply 0 retweets 1 like
      Lawrus‏ @levity 23 Jul 2019
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      Replying to @levity @selentelechia

      Tangling (“emotional fusion” in the language of PM) causes stress. It’s already complex enough to regulate your own emotional/mental/physical needs; doing it for another, when you don’t have direct access to their interior state, is much harder

      5:55 PM - 23 Jul 2019
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        1. selentelechia‏ @selentelechia 23 Jul 2019
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          Replying to @levity

          That's a good word for it!

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