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  1. Pinned Tweet
    19 Oct 2015

    damn it feels good to be a false prophet

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  2. Retweeted
    15 Oct 2013

    9/10 dentists agree one of them is *looks over shoulder* wanted for manslaughter in 3 countries & *pulls you around corner* a real sick fuck

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  3. Retweeted
    4 Jan 2016

    when u post yr tweets on facebook

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  4. Retweeted
    22 Jul 2019

    everyone wants flawless skin but no one’s willing to pay the price: become a nocturnal creature who dwells in a remote forest where travelers lose their minds trying to find a cursed treasure

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  5. Retweeted
    12 Jul 2018

    boss: can we talk? me: sure boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer

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  6. Retweeted
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  7. Retweeted
    2 Jun 2018

    Her: I have butterflies in my stomach Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

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  8. Retweeted
    9 May 2018

    [kneeling down & whispering to the frightened kid holding up the line at the water slide] Your only weakness is that you do not welcome death

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  9. Retweeted
    Jan 14

    I do apologize for all the Star Wars tweets. The world is falling apart and this is my coping mechanism. It was either this or hard drugs.

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  10. Jan 14

    yeah, let me tell you- that's exactly how you'd act. he nailed it. and i like liam and ewan, but did you catch their acting in phantom menace? eek. not exactly citizen kane. hayden was a 19 year old raging power bull child w no parents - oscar please, actually

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  11. Jan 14

    people are so fkn mean to & about the way acted /portrayed whatever. anakin was supposed to be 19. the actor was 19. i know a LOT of 19 y/o kids rn. trust me, his behavior on screen is DEAD ON. if you were a teen guy w unlimited power & obi wan raising you, um>

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  12. Jan 14

    which brings me to big papa. is supposed to be running things, but wtf kind of force is the light side everything's going to hell and he won't get up off the couch not to help not not anyone. (yes, to kick his ex-'s ass ONCE but then: couch)

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  13. Jan 14

    jedis are not good dads. anakin kept saying obi wan was like a father to him. then, as he burned, obi wan said anakin was like a brother to him. messed up. bad dad. furthermore, when anakin was 19 & getting hyper sexual, where was obi wan? drinkin milkshakes at his favorite diner

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  14. Retweeted
    4 Jun 2019

    Therapist: Do you have a five year plan? Me:

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  15. Retweeted
    26 Apr 2015

    me flirting: so are you more haunted by the past or the future

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  16. Retweeted
    29 Jan 2015

    maybe she was born with it. maybe she hates herself.

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  17. Retweeted
    Jan 12

    time: *passes* me: oh fuck

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  18. Retweeted
    14 Mar 2018

    I'm at this weird place in my life right now where I’m stranded on a hostile planet that’s orbiting a treacherous star

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  19. Retweeted
    1 Mar 2018

    Sick of the liberal media accurately reporting my crimes

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  20. Retweeted
    19 Feb 2018

    Ah yes, the moon. Is there anything more romantic than a giant fucking rock

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  21. Retweeted
    2 Nov 2017

    I told everyone you said hi and no one cared

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