David Britton

@lazersaurus

Rhinebeck, NY
storiesaboutwizards.com
Joined March 2012
232 Photos and videos Photos and videos

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  1. Pinned Tweet
    Apr 12

    I don't know about you guys but I'm super stoked that Kidz Bop is finally putting out a comedy album!

    8 replies 4 retweets 18 likes
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  2. Retweeted
    Jul 8

    Summer means swimming parties, hot dog contests, getting together with friends & other things along those lines.

    5 replies 41 retweets 236 likes
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  3. Retweeted
    Jul 13

    I am retiring from professional ribbon dancing. It's time to make way for the new generation of ribbon dancers, like Gavin Milkpepper and Darlene McDoop. All tickets to the Many Colors of George Tour will be refunded. Thank you to my sponsors, HBO and Piggly Wiggly.

    94 replies 300 retweets 3,979 likes
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  4. Jul 12

    YOu| YO| Y| You| Every. Freaking. Time.

    3 likes
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  5. Jul 9

    I’m pretty sure this is the best twitter account

    Image
    1 like
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  6. Retweeted
    Jul 8

    I love how being an adult is just saying "But after this week things will slow down a bit again" to yourself until you die

    785 replies 78,713 retweets 284,101 likes
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  7. Jul 9

    EVERYBODY JUST HOLD ON A SECOND!

    1 like
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  8. Retweeted
    Jul 8

    Just saw a bird show up at 5pm and there was a worm right there he ate the shit out of it that bird was late as hell and got a worm that saying is a lie this world is made of lies

    88 replies 1,495 retweets 9,081 likes
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  9. Jul 8

    Just to stick it to all the little mermaid haters I also will now be black.

    9 likes
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  10. Jul 6

    Hey this sweet show is tomorrow! Doors at 6pm, show at 8pm @ PAKT

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  11. Jul 5

    I haven’t read Mad Magazine in years, but it was a huge part of my childhood and this was a huge bummer to hear.

    Mad Magazine is going away, and everyone is in mourning:
    3 likes
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  12. Jul 4

    My question is: Can I keep the turtle or does it technically belong to Starbucks? Also what should I name him? I’m leaning toward “Cookiepuss”

    1 reply 5 likes
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  13. Jul 4

    But when I bent down to grab it a turtle swam up and grabbed the other end and wouldn’t let go

    1 reply 1 like
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  14. Jul 4

    I figured it was no big deal because it had rained fairly recently, so I flipped it over with the toe of my shoe. It still floated so I figured it hadn’t absorbed too much puddle juice yet.

    1 reply 1 like
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  15. Jul 4

    It was face up, but floating in a puddle.

    1 reply 1 like
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  16. Jul 4

    Question: I was leaving the Starbucks where I use the bathroom and I saw cookie in the parking lot...

    1 reply 1 retweet 3 likes
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  17. Jul 3

    You know what’s also racist? The current American flag.

    2 retweets 15 likes
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  18. Retweeted
    Jul 3

    “What if Styrofoam was also sort of gum but kind of chalk?” - circus peanuts pitch meeting

    1 retweet 6 likes
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  19. Retweeted
    Jun 30

    Yeah sex is great but has your dad’s best friend ever tried to greet you with a harmless kiss on the cheek but misses, kissing your ear hole instead, creating suction that causes hearing loss for the remainder of the family gathering?

    1 reply 1 retweet 22 likes
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  20. Retweeted
    Jun 30

    If you think you can stroll in here the day of the Pride Parade and get your hands on a copy of Brokeback Mountain you’re an idiot. I’m sorry.

    40 replies 708 retweets 6,676 likes
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  21. Jun 30

    Super pumped to have the hilarious headlining in Kingston a week from tonight! @ PAKT

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