the wicked witch of the east bro

if I watch too much reality tv I’ll start doing those little voiceovers in my head like “so I’m about to go make some pasta, and I notice that I’m low on sauce. suddenly, I’m questioning everything.”

in highschool I had to write a essay about my upbringing and I got a D on it. my professor took an objective look at my life and said “yeah I give that a 6/10”

when I use the detail function on Facetune thinking no one will noticehttps://twitter.com/frajds/status/1219125000550199301 …

athlete on cheer: *doesnt point their toes while doing a nearly impossible stunt* me, who can’t do a crunch: IDIOT

@GeneralMills since posting this I’ve had four girls message me saying this man is abusive, manipulative and racist. I also found out he works as an intern for your company. If you’d like to know more please dm me

so my coworker has a tattoo that just says “laundry” because he and his friends got “gym” “tan” and “laundry” and I would be soooo pissed if my homies were like “wanna get friendship tats?” and I got stuck with fucking laundry

if your name is katie in Denver Colorado your ex was just telling everyone at the bar how fat your ass is and what a good kisser you are. twitter do your thing, let’s find this girl

okay fine I’ll come clean: this season of 90 day fiancé has just really been taking a toll on me and it’s been really consuminghttps://twitter.com/AlwaysAButt/status/1217944891205963782 …

if I see one more fucking celebrity tell me to do my part to help climate change while they take private jets and go out on their yachts I’m going to have a conniption. they’re shaming us into fixing the environmental damage that they are causing. eat a dick

my best friend has always insisted on meeting the guys that I date and I always thought it was cause he didn’t want me to get hurt. today I found out it’s because he wants to make sure they aren’t serial killers because I’m his only friend and he would be bored if I got killed

Why does everyone make my contact picture the most god awful photos of me it’s so humblinghttps://twitter.com/_keRAGE/status/1215708880446951425 …

went through my long distance boyfriend’s DMs and he was talking with this girl about how they kissed and when I confronted the girl about it she said “no babe we only kissed cause you and I have the same name and he missed you so we pretended I was you”https://twitter.com/adribbleofink/status/1213293516148707328 …

one time I was on a date with a guy and he said “I just wanted to say you’re brave for speaking openly about your medical condition” after I told him I had psoriasis. i’m brave for itchy skin. men will stop at nothing to hookup

this guy was trying to make plans with me and he said “does tomorrow at 8pm work? i’m not sure what time you wake up” and i’m like does this guy think i wake up at 7pm? i mean i woke up at 4pm today but that’s a bad example

tweeting this for future reference: if i’m dating someone and they’re cheating on me or they hit you up, I will never blame you for telling me. idc if you hooked up with them, I don’t even care if you like them, I won’t get mad I literally just wanna know