Katrina Garsten

I dropped so many people from my life because of shit like that and I don’t regret it one bit. It’s better to be alone than be surrounded by people like that, but it’s hard to know you invested in people that turned out to be garbage. Esp when ppl aren’t your forte.

While I’m building a much better foundation of friends out here, it’s hard to realize how much has been lost while even knowing it’s better to just take the trash out. Some of these people did have my back at a certain point and I hate that I let them get close to me.

I hate being vulnerable because I have this fallacy that when I keep this shit to myself, it makes me stronger. That I can handle my burdens and everybody else’s and that’s what makes me a good person. Until I’m literally sobbing on the floor.

I was just going to isolate, rage cry, and then be back on my feet. Worked in college, it’s essentially how I survived while only relying on me. And I loved that about myself. I loved that I could “take care” of myself without help. I cherish my self reliance.

Instead I called my best friend. The moment she knew I was in trouble she dropped everything. She never judged me. She didn’t shy away from my suicidal ideation. She didn’t tell me to give up and come back so she could take care of me.

She told me she understood when she could and that she was there for the things she didn’t. She told me I was needed in this world for my creativity. She told me she loved me and was proud of me because I have done so much for myself and everything I’m experiencing is human.

I told her my creative blocks and the trouble I was having. She didn’t berate me. She said, “well, we are going to figure something out for you.” Her unconditional love is what I need. Her determination. This is how much she believes in me, I feel like I can take on the world.

I don’t have a large network that sees me struggling that they’ll reach out. Why would they? I put up these walls so people don’t worry about me, that’s where my faux strength came from. But now I see that reaching out is the actual strength. Not just for others but also for me.