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  1. Retweeted
    May 31

    good morning everyone except the doctor who refused to give Derek Sheppard a CT

  2. Retweeted
    May 15

    WHOEVER CAME UP WITH THE IDEA OF YOUR PHONE PLAYING THE FIRST SONG IN UR MUSIC EVERY TIME YOU TURN YOUR CAR ON HAS RUINED THE A TEAM FOR ME

  3. Retweeted
    May 5

    Cinco de Stay In With Ice cream-o

  4. Apr 27

    Standing by my claim that there is no lighting on this earth less flattering than the TJ maxx fitting rooms

  5. Apr 19

    When people with 57 items in their cart use the self checkout 🙃🙂🙃

  6. Retweeted
    Mar 16

    "iOS 11 is gonna have screenshot alerts for iMessage" Me:

  7. Mar 7

    This husband and wife on House Hunters are a puppeteer and makeup artist and their budget is 1.3 million

  8. Mar 4

    "Shane got you cookies Henry" Dad: I can't fit into my kilt as it is

  9. Feb 21

    The acoustic version of "Chasing Cars" is playing in the hospital lobby

  10. Jan 12

    I hate . There I said it 🙈

  11. Jan 11

    Reading an article in which 200 partcipants ate cheese before bed and not 1 had a bad dream. It's entitled "Sweet Dreams are made of Cheese"

  12. Retweeted
    Jan 6

    When you go to the eyebrow lady and she says "lip too?"

  13. Retweeted
    Jan 1

    99% of the population right now

  14. 23 Dec 2016

    An elf is born every time Michael Bublé sings a Christmas song

  15. 19 Nov 2016

    Throwback to when I got the ball rolling on the Riverhead Chipotle

  16. 24 Oct 2016

    I have a very real fear of getting someone the same birthday card two years in a row

  17. Retweeted
    19 Oct 2016
  18. 6 Oct 2016

    Watching the young and the restless because while not so young I have only slept 4 hours

  19. Retweeted
    28 Sep 2016

    is it too late to make Julie Andrews the Queen of the United States?

  20. Retweeted
    11 Sep 2016

    i love you new york

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