For the past little while, I've been working on a piece about Toronto's relationship to the alt-right, especially the "manosphere." Unfortunately that research has become relevant. I'm going to share as much as I can here for people who may not be familiar with these movements.
I’m sure nobody will read this long rant, but I kind of just want to get it off my chest. While never being a full-blown incel (didn’t know what it was at the time) I had a period where I had difficulties connecting with women.
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Now, in hindsight this was largely due to me trying to cope with a severe case of untreated social anxiety that eventually resulted in me breaking down completely and being unable to function in society.
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But eventually even that wasn’t enough and I started acting out. I would touch women inappropriately against their wishes or use offensive sexual language. I basically acted “as more of a man” because I perceived my lack of masculinity as the problem.
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I couldn’t speak with them and came off as awkward. And after several years of being single and barely having anything described as a romantic interaction with a woman, something kind of just broke.
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And that we need to crack down on this behaviour. It’s scary how long I could be a predator before someone told me how bad I was. Most people just laughed it off as drunken shenanigans, even the victims. When you’re in your own head you sometimes don’t even realise it.
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After treatment and a few female friends stepping in and telling me what a horrible person I was turning into, I feel I’m better. I can speak with women and realise the reason I was always alone was because I was being weird.
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I guess the point of all this is I think most of these people need help. When you’re in a terrible dark place it’s easy to internalise really stupid ideas and blame others. But there are people willing to help, and acting out just makes it worse.
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I felt inadequate and frustrated. And it wasn’t even the lack of sex. It was more this notion that I was less of a “man” if I wasn’t having sex. So I lied about sexual exploits. I used things like sex chat rooms as a substitute.
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