ME: I look cute
MIRRORS: you look cute
STORE WINDOWS: you look cute
OTHER PEOPLE: you look cute
IPHONE FORWARD-FACING CAMERA: what’s up you Shrek-lookin bag of bitch
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katie
@katefeetie
I am in the cereal aisle of your local Target, realizing that my existence is meaningless, then buying Frosted Mini Wheats.
writer . she/her.
new yorkJoined December 2008
katie’s Tweets
kentucky derby is by far the best sporting event. only lasts two minutes. bunch of silly names. happens late enough that you're already drunk. dress up fancy. horsies. this is my superbowl
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there is only one type of bullying I tolerate and it’s when the nail lady stares at my face for a second and goes “…eyebrow wax too?”
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I wish I was a nail girl but I’m just a skincare and makeup girl. like the noble raccoon, my face looks great and my hands look like they’ve been rooting around in a dumpster
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I only get my nails done like once a year so when they see my cuticles they go in the way back for the industrial grade potato peeler. it’s an honor, really
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the 99% of me that hates the monarchy: those bastards
the 1% of me that really wants to wear an expensive and ostentatious hat but can’t because I wasn’t invited: those bastards
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i've never once seen a dude wear clothes after a breakup and have the press call them "revenge khakis"
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can a woman wear a dress after a breakup without it being a "revenge dress"? we cannot even wear clothes without someone claiming it's for a crusty man
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[ancient dusty crone voice] remember when you could stop by the grocery store and grab a couple things for dinner and it didn’t cost $30
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the silliest nyc take i've seen lately is "new yorkers are leaving the city in droves because of crime." new yorkers are leaving the city in droves because of rent prices. the criminals we're escaping are called landlords
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there's even doors BETWEEN the cars if you can't wait for five minutes to get to the next station! literal children going to school do this every day, but it's understandable if it's too difficult for grown men who need to pubilcly prove their masculinity, so no worries!
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nyc subway hack!! next time a homeless person is being disruptive, try this neat trick called "moving to another car." what a cool way to not do a totally unnecessary homicide, you dumb baby. hope this helps!!!
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I’m just glad they’re finally reaching me sentences I can actually USE in Japan. none of this “where is the bathroom” nonsense
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supporting the writer's strike by not working on any of my own writing projects for the past 8 months ✊
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you could set a clock by the fact that only lil nas x and doja cat do the met gala right
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I’m pasty and polite and look great in a stylishly oversized coat, put me in coach
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when I tell people I recently went to sweden they’re like “oh is everyone as hot as alexander skaarsgaard haha” and the answer is yes oh my god yes, jesus christ I wish I lived in sweden
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twitter hasn’t ruined my brain, like yes I need constant reassurance that I’m funny and interesting or I’ll die, but I’m pretty sure I was like that before
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all I do on Saturdays is go to a workout class in the morning and then spend the rest of the day in bed groaning about how hard it was. 10/10
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we should have had a whole class in high school on using up all the food in your fridge before a vacation
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what happens to the human soul when it enters a zara? what about a thin $40 cropped tee makes us no better than beasts? the vibes in that store are fucking bubonic
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in all of my world travels I have only ever seen one place that is truly irredeemable. only one truly godless land where morality is void and cruelty knows no bounds. and that place is every single zara
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every time my cat sneezes I go “cat allergy?” and every time it’s the funniest thing anyone has ever said
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*written AND shot, I am not paying for Twitter to edit you will simply have to vibe with the gist of my tweets
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either that or they married some dude named like Merv Ipswich, the 67-year-old quadrillion aide who invented the technology that makes the numbers raised on credit cards
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anytime I haven’t heard from a celebrity in a while I look them up and it turns out they’re a judge on America’s Next Favorite 13-15-Year-Old Dubstep Genius, a show I have never heard of that has 150 billion nightly viewers
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watching the x files is a reminder of how much better we were at tv in the 90s. every season has 80 episodes and was written in shot in 4 days for $6
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fellow subway rider when we stop at Rector Street: are you ok
me, holding in the urge to say “I hardly know ‘er street!” with all my might until I turn blue: yep
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the older I get the more I realize that “tasting good” is for lunch and dinner, while breakfast has one job and one job only: to make me poop
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I’ve always wanted to have rich friends who give me lots of free stuff and it turns out all I need to do is become a supreme court justice??
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period update: I had to email a company to ask for a refund and their email back sounded a little bit sad so I cried for 15 minutes
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really appreciate the replies. I know it’s hard to post positives of having kids online without getting negativity in return, plus it is HARD to be a parent in America right now with the near-total lack of support and resources, but I love hearing about your little demon spawn
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it’s to the point where I’m like… does anybody like their kids? is anybody out there happy they had children? can parenthood be enjoyable in any sense?? because none of the content I see brings up a single positive and it’s so depressing
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like I get that it’s good to show the opposing view to all the programming women are fed that makes child-reading seem inevitable, like it’s the whole point of our lives. but your kids are gonna grow up and see your tiktoks saying “this is AWFUL don’t DO IT I live in HELL”
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