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Dear Eastern Washington Chinese restaurants: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU
Brave admission: When I see a white guy carrying a pumpkin down the street, I cross to the other side because I am afraid. #PumpkinRiot
"Gonna roll out & get fucking crazy 2nite" autocorrects to "Staying in to read the Bible and drink this good hot tea, Barnabas".
There's an interesting autocorrect idea: instead of fixing spelling, it normalizes your text to the norms of an 1855 London drawing room.
(Maybe that's why it replaces "selfie" with "whore's daguerrotype" every so often.)
Swype autocorrect, at which point would I be more likely to use "lino" than "link"? Do you think I'm a Victorian printer's assistant?
I wish I had a Welsh accent. If you're a dude with a deep voice and a Welsh accent you sound like a fantasy character.
I have a very neutral American accent, which took years of practice. It's nearly impossible to guess my regional origin.
I always wonder which is the more neutral accent for speaking English: the UK's Received Pronunciation or the American "newscaster" accent?
Le'h Thuh Reet Woon In #ScottishHorrorRemakes
Some people seem to take issue with my amusement at the #PumpkinRiot. I don't give a shit. Nobody made you read my feed.
New game: every time someone at this coffeeshop mentions Jesus for no apparent reason, I put a gun in my mouth and empty the clip.
Wow, that came off as needlessly aggro, didn't it? #HaventActuallyHadTheLatteYet
I just ordered an eggnog latte and I don't give a fuck what you or anyone else thinks of that. Shove your coffee snobbery up your ass.
I'm not surprised by the riots. For most of the nineties, millions of white people loved smashing pumpkins.
I can attest to the awesomeness of the Ferguson Burger Bar and their Muddy Water tea. http://www.stlmag.com/news/eye-of-the-storm-ferguson-burger-bar-and-more/?src=longreads …
Riots are way more fun if, right at the moment shit jumps off, you make beeping noises on your phone and then shout "KLF IS GONNA ROCK YOU!"
The pics of white folks looting a Lacoste are fucking amazing. Stereotype gold.
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