jordan

@jordan_stratton

Probably needs to drink more water today. Check out things I write . Check out things I say .

Vrijeme pridruživanja: siječanj 2009.

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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    11. pro 2019.

    Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be? Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through. Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it? Boss: haha oh goodness no

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  2. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    3. velj

    Despite our best efforts, we are recording yet again tonight. Help us out with a SUPER BOWL SUPER POLL: Why are you at the Super Bowl party?

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  3. 2. velj

    I don’t know who needs to hear this tonight, but buffalo cauliflower bites are a travesty and if you bring them as a chicken wing replacement, you should be placed upon an iceberg and kicked out to sea

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  4. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj

    bookmarking this as a future header

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  5. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    31. sij

    you’re either hot or you know how to use semi-colons properly; there’s no in-between.

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  6. 31. sij

    Calling someone on FaceTime with zero warning is a hate crime

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  7. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    31. sij

    oh male privilege doesn’t exist than why does my friends 3 month old son have denim on WITH pockets and as grown women we’re still battling for that

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  8. 30. sij

    New employer is offering me vision benefits as if I’d willingly choose to see this world more effectively

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  9. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    30. sij

    Back in action and about to hit that record button. Help us out with a PRE-SHOW POLL: When did you see your first rated R movie?

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  10. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    29. sij

    Son, brushing teeth: Daddy, why don’t we have to brush our other bones? Me: Because they’re inside of us and don’t need it like your teeth do. Son: I want to brush my bones. Me: Son: I want to brush my bones, dad. Me: Please... please stop saying that

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  11. 27. sij

    Having a full conversation with someone’s dog without saying a single word to the dog walker is a true power move and, some might say, self-care

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  12. 27. sij

    I HATE when I'm at the beach and I spill too much tanning oil all over my body and the wind is tousling my hair and, ugh... a photographer?!

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  13. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    27. sij

    There’s a lot more of me sitting my parked car trying to will up the energy to get out than I expected when I envisioned my life

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  14. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    27. sij

    there should be a place like those axe throwing bars but it’s for molotov cocktails

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  15. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    26. ožu 2019.

    I have a “dry clean only” sweater that is about to learn some harsh truths about living with me

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  16. 26. sij

    Finally, a product that cleans my hair AND includes a new body and face.

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  17. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    break the ninternet

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  18. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    26. sij

    If the government knew how I treated my Sims in middle school, they never would have allowed me to have my own children

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  19. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    26. sij

    No one, literally not a soul: People you graduated high school with who moved like a town and a half over and called it a day: date night :)

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  20. 25. sij

    Just because we CAN do something...

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  21. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    25. sij

    ME: I just feel bad about leaning on my friends. It makes me feel weak THERAPIST: Do you know who else leans on his friends? *we both look at her gigantic poster of Goku* THERAPIST: Are you calling Goku weak? ME: *fighting sobs* n-no THERAPIST: *slides me the tissues*

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