I have moments where I don't know who this body is, here, shuffling around, doing stuff, getting a drink of water, typing things on Twitter, having thoughts, scratching itself and so on. It's as if I am outside myself at times.
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I feel the opposite -- that I'm so inside myself I am drowning. Everything I do, except sitting in silence, is the attempt to not drown.
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What is the self that you say you are inside of? Are you talking about the body? The body as the self? But who is aware of the body?
The body is extraneous to the self. It's out there; it's external. It's an object. The self is the subject.
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My "self" is just a way of speaking. I remember my first moments of life. What is non-verbal is my "self", a body with extraordinary awareness of what I'll never understand. My "self" is pure lostness. Think back to your very first moments of life...that is what you are.
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It seems like my life has been spent as if I were a watcher and not an actor. I still have no idea who this stranger is here typing this tweet. It's just a thing out there, the body, that connects me to this material realm. But it's not me. It's temporary.
That's all I remember: Watching. And, I was like "what the fuck?"
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