(5) They later regretted greatly that they had had to leave school that soon. Every time I made the slightest attempt to talk back, they both prohibited it harshly, saying I didn't even deserve to raise the slightest complaint because I was far better off than they had been.
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(6) Yes, they may have made a big mistake there, but even that is normal for most parents, right? It's me, right? It's always me who's wrong. I'm fundamentally, eternally wrong. I'm just not cut out for life. Most people grow up later into much better adults than I.
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(7) Their parents too tried to prevent them from talking back or rebelling, but they still rebelled and, in that very process, they grew up. I was not that way. I just felt that I somehow didn't even deserve to live and started to act.
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(8) The mere sight of my mother sobbing in the kitchen, deploring the miserable fate of women having to work blindly like slaves for their despotic husbands, made me as a ten-year-old boy to make a lifelong decision to sacrifice my life for the betterment of women at large.
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(9) The mere sight of my father, leader of a large group of proletarians, fighting the bourgeoisie to liberate the working class doomed me to develop this lifelong belief that I was somehow fundamentally guilty as someone desperately hungry for impractical knowledge.
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(10) Both my parents thus, even though they hadn't intended it that way at all, led me to feel I was eternally condemned. I've never got over that guilty feeling. I'm doomed forever. I definitely shouldn't have been born. I'm an endangered species. I don't even deserve to live.
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(11) Life terrifies me. Society horrifies me. Women make me shudder out of horror. Menial laborers make me wish I were dead because they make me feel eternally guilty.
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(12) The whole society, the whole universe, seems as if they were waiting for an opportunity to torture, persecute, and execute me.
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(13) I think, and rethink, and reconsider, and reflect, and I still can't help but come to the conclusion that the whole of the universe, the fact that anything exists at all, is fundamentally guilty, wrong, and absurd. The whole of the universe should perish.
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(14) If the universe cannot go extinct, then at least let me perish or vanish into thin air -- painlessly, before I know it if possible.
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Everything is fundamentally flawed at the outset. By being born & forced into existence without consent, you have already been violated & taken advantage of. There is no way to correct this. It's a done deed & cannot be retracted.
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(1) Thanks, Antwan. I feel even weaker as years go by, reaching a stage where I even feel as if I couldn't even stand the love or kindness of others, the beauty of nature, or the cute faces of schoolgirls.
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(2) Pro-natalists urge us to look at the bright side, but even that bright side hurts us. When my parents believe they love me, it feels as if they were trying to deprive me of the right to feel miserable.