Something I’ve been silent here about—
Earlier this year I bought a one-way ticket out of Portland, put what I could into a pod and left a 5-year relationship that was sexually abusive, coercive and controlling.
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I didn’t say goodbye to friends and only one even knew why I was leaving—I’d never told anyone what it was like until I told her and she gave me the courage to leave.
Compounding things, I’d also recently quit my job so when I left I had to sort out a whole new life.
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But I am incredibly lucky—I am close with my family and was able to go home to my parents and stay with them while I looked for jobs and the friends I opened up to supported me completely.
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I’m also very lucky I had savings enough to do this at all—it cost upwards of $10k to logistically leave him and get settled again months later.
I left someone well known in the same part of tech that I’m in, golden to many and that knew nearly everyone I knew.
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I had no idea what my life would look like after leaving.
It was a really difficult time for a while and it’s still difficult in many ways—there’s a lot to process, unlearn, and there’s a lot to read every day to remind me how far men like this can get.
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As I opened up to friends, *every other woman* I spoke to told me her story too. The news may seem like a lot now but it doesn’t begin to scratch the surface of this problem.
I think—all the time—about my silence. How it protected him while he abused me & protects him now.
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And how really hard it is to feel you can speak out.
FWIW, I brought up his behavior to him for years to no avail, only to be made to believe it was my fault. When I left he did not deny a single thing I cited.
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Yes, I see the irony in someone who has built their career opening data and code while keeping quiet on why I left or why they were asked to step down from their own meetup.
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I wanted to share this to break my silence for all the women that still cannot. I wanted to talk about why the heck one day I was in Portland one day and then not the next—talk about my own life.
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It takes more than realizing things are bad (which is hard enough) to be able to leave, too many women do not have the financial resources or emotional support of friends and family to leave. I am lucky. Believe women.
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I felt so alone in this relationship for so long and leaving felt impossible. But once I did I realized how very un-alone I was—not only how many women I knew had been through similar things with men but how many friends I had and could lean on.
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Thank you sooooooo much to all my friends for your support these past few months, I love you so much, and to the New York crew who gave me the most loving place to land <3
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