I can’t tell if this movie’s going to be like Creed or Cocaine Bear
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Jeff Wild
@jiffywild
Writer / my own unreliable narrator / WGA / Wipeout / NETFLIX / Absurd! Planet / Bake Off / Chelsea / MAX WINSLOW / CMT / Chelsea Lately / et al
Los Angeles CAJoined December 2008
Jeff Wild’s Tweets
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I love the idea of paying a thousand dollars to dry hump while watching Taylor Swift on a Jumbotron
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That's crazy, I guess it's preferable to die with the comfort and hope of knowing you've still got some water left than being totally out.
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They’re already reclaiming the market bc they don’t make the guests take out the garbage and clean all the linens upon check out
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If skiers and snowboarders can get along like this then maybe there is hope for this country
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He cares more about what he wears everyday than where he sits for 2 hours. Seems alright in my book
I was behind this guy at Starbucks, and he says to the barista "I'll take a tall blonde" and so I joking said "haha yeah get in line buddy." And he turned around and looked at me really annoyed and said "I DID wait in line."
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That breathy faux compassionate voice gets me every time.
Watson update 2..! Just visited my sweet pup. He's doing so much better post op. He walked out of his crate and tried to come home with me. ❤️ The doc says he has to stay a few more days, but it fills my heart to see him doing better. Thank you all for being so great!
Watson update 3! Great news Watson finally ate! (Hot dog) We think he looks like the hyena from the Lion King which made us laugh. And I got some quality snuggle time with him. Should be able to take him home Friday. Thank you for all the nice tweets! I read them all to him.
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Watching It's Complicated with my grandpa in the theatre and the characters drive up to a house and he leans over and says "Toyota. Good car."
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Google, remember to store and sell all of Loretta's data
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Dave Grohl is legit the nicest dude ever. I met him once at work... then saw him like 6months later and I assumed he had no idea who i was and as I was reintroducing myself he was like “dude I know...” and gave me a hug.
Watson update: Thank you all for the thoughts and kind words. Watson made it through his surgery. They had to remove one of his lungs. He's been out of surgery for 12 hours and the vet said the first 48hours are crucial. We're still on pins and needles that he recovers 🙏.
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If you believe in prayers or the power of collective thought please send them to my sweet sweet pup Watson tonight. He's undergoing surgery after being attacked by a pack of coyotes. He's so strong and brave and I'm just so distraught I love him so much.
Netflix should really offer a 2.99/month deal where it lets you scroll around the home screen for an hour then fall asleep.
If you believe in prayers or the power of collective thought please send them to my sweet sweet pup Watson tonight. He's undergoing surgery after being attacked by a pack of coyotes. He's so strong and brave and I'm just so distraught I love him so much.
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if this is real these ppl are gonna lose their minds when they have to do real work someday soon
I was at a gas station and gave the lady a $5 dollar bill and she held it up to the light to make sure it was real and apparently that's how shady I look today.
My question is... Why is Leo in shorts and t shirt but Jonah Hill is dressed for a winter storm?
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The irony here of course is their adventure into the woods was not about being present w nature but about being present on other people’s screens
I think it’s the whole ass sign that is so irking
I'm going to start interrupting my wife with "wrong" when we argue. See how that works out. #debatenight
The 8yo just said "Ugh. I have so many questions."
And were like "About what?"
And he threw his arms out and said "Like how did my arms just do that?"
Chelsea Handler was the first person to believe in me, and take a chance on me, when no one else gave a shit about me.
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Who is a person (not counting family) that opened doors for you in your career when they didn’t have to? Anytime is a good time to show gratitude!
That employee is hilarious and calmly made sense - You asked for extra sauce, there it is. Lol.
Last Watson Update! Finally got to pick up my sweet pup this morning! We're driving back to LA. He's doing great and I'm so happy to have him back. Thank you all for the words of encouragement throughout. You helped me more than you know. I'm filled w gratitude. 🙏
RIP Chuy. You were a kind soul and always so nice to me and my family. You will be missed in this world 😢
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Chelsea Handler's 'Chelsea Lately' sidekick, Chuy Bravo, has died. etonline.com/chuy-bravo-che
interesting how it’s designed to only start paying you once they know you’re going to die soon and before you get to collect what you’ve already put in
I realized today that you don't have to be that smart or cool to go to Yale.
Based on nothing I always thought Chris Pratt and Anna Farris were gonna make it.
I think it's time we start calling Dick's Sporting Goods by their full name Richard's Sporting Goods.
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This story isn't true. The cocktail server said Eric's not his type to spit on.
I still don't understand why the doctor gets life in prison but the father gets to just walk away... #AlabamaAbortionBill
If everyone claims to love sweet potatoes so much then how come there's always so damn much left over?
Hey Twitter, if you're going to let Donald Trump keep tweeting then you gotta give us a simple thumbs down option.
Love, all of us
Many years in the future as I'm dying and my wife of many decades turns to me and says "I was hired this whole time and my only job was to leave random lights on in the house..." I'd be like "I knew it."
If women in Georgia get prosecuted then whoever got them pregnant should be charged as an accomplice.
Not great at government stuff.
But if Trump signs the new tax bill does it still need a signature from Putin?
I was just outside playing catch w the 10yo thinking how nice it is to bond and he just blurted out “If we weren’t on lockdown I wouldn’t be doing this.”
I ordered a couch from Crate & Barrel. She said it won't be ready til April. I'm like "I don't know if the country will last that long."
ME: "Go pick up your room."
The 8yo: "When I'm a teenager and you ask me to do that I'm just gonna get in my car and drive away."
Hahahaha he thinks he'll have a car hahahaha
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The fact that she took pictures and posted it on social media and somehow made the moment all about her is gross… but her overall message checks out
The 5yo got out of bed last night and asked us very sweetly "ummm in the middle of the night when I'm asleep can one of you give me um... um..."
I said "a kiss?" And she said "I was gonna say twenty dollars."
Just read this quote and it messed me up...
"At some point in your childhood, you and your friends went out to play for the last time, and nobody knew it"
Great news! Mila was found! At the shelter tonight - someone spotted her and called animal control. Thanks so much for positive thoughts!
I promised the 5yo a night out on the town. She chose In n Out for dinner followed by Chuck E Cheese for fun. Sounds like a slow Friday night, but I couldn't be happier about it.
He lost that Emmy to the Amazing Race... and now he's losing an amazing race. #debatenight
Dropping my 4 yo off at preschool - he looked at a girl in his class & said "I don't know why she looks so beautiful today."
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What kind of idiot puts their coffee cup on the dashboard?
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That’s actually terrible and I mean that sincerely
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Imagine Obama saying this to a red state during a crisis.
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at least when one of these kills a sea turtle we'll be able to personally trace it back to Trump
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Wild: I'm not a Republican and I don't live in AZ stop texting me.
I dropped by my 8yo's school during recess and stood by the gate trying to wave at him and he just stared at me. And a girl said "I think that's your Dad." And he said "I know." And he walked away, and then later he told me that he was embarrassed, and I realized I'm THAT Dad.
I'm sorry but you don't get to marry Kate Upton and win the World Series. Pick one.
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I had a good long run in tv but the jobs got fewer and farther between and also lower paying so I left LA. Moved back home. Near family. Quality of life increased and I actually got more writing work remotely than I did when I was local. Weird world.
Guys. It's not an indictment or a competition. It's women expressing themselves and the most important thing to do is listen. #YesAllWomen
Do people outside of LA know Angelyne? She ran for mayor or something, she has billboards, and drives a pink corvette? Anyway, I totally forgot that I entered this raffle in a candy store to meet with her, and take a ride in her corvette.
And I won...
Should I go?
My wife and I were like "Hey kids we have a surprise..."
And without hesitation the 6yo screamed "we're having a baby?!"
And we were like "uhhh we ordered pizza. That's it. That was the whole surprise."
Kim Jong Un watching America "wait wait wait. Don't fire missile. They're destroying themselves."
Ever since Netflix raised their prices they keep emailing me like a cheating boyfriend "Hey so... we're still cool, right? Ur not mad are you?"
So sad to hear about #Brodystevens I heard his jokes every day for years... laughed every time he said "I'm successful now. It feels good to be able to take my mom out to lunch and pay half." Or "I call the police when I see an accident... on NASCAR." You are already missed, bud.
I honestly didn’t know CrossFit was owned by somebody... I thought it was like “running” like nobody owns running.
I'm looking for a woman. All I know about her is that her name is Ali she's a mom and lives in Burbank and she's shopping in Target rn and said it'd only take 10 minutes but it's been 30, and she's also married to me. Twitter do your thing.
Every politician should be registered independent. Vote issue by issue. Get rid of left and right. Mob mentality gone. That'd help.
My 4yo just asked "How did the first person take care of themselves when they were just a baby?" uhhhhhhhh I have no idea.
My 5yo just asked "How did the first person take care of itself when it was just a baby?" WTF?! Solid question. Googling it now.
That's so cool the president of the US wanted to leave Americans imprisoned in a foreign country because his feelings got hurt!
Having a president decide how to spend tax dollars, but never actually paid taxes himself seems off.
My 6yo just took a 50 question Harry Potter test and now she's bawling her eyes out because she got Slytherin.
I was like "Well, what'd you tell it?"
And she screamed "I said I was CUNNING! I don't even know what that means!"
Took the kiddos into work the other day and they got a meet and greet w the hostess.
I've been on a lot of call sheets... first time as EP... may the tv gods shine down upon us.
White House fence jumper spent 16 minutes there before being arrested. So, still more time than Melania's been there.
Whenever I'm done cleaning the kitchen I sing this really cool song to my family called "no one's allowed in the mother fucking kitchen until tomorrow song."
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My overwhelming feeling when I watched this was just sadness for that dude
The 5yo spilled dry Corn Flakes all over the ground and we said "Grab a broom. Clean it up."
We come back in 2 minutes later and the floor is clean. She said "The broom was really hard so I just ate them."
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What are the odds he complained to the booker after the show and said to never bring her back?
My boy got his first official hit in a baseball game tonight! Stand up double off some giant kid. We were all so shocked and excited his little sister started bawling of happiness in the stands 😭dead
The 5yo: Just get me an anything bagel.
ME: you mean an everything bagel?
5: I mean any thing that's a bagel