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  1. Retweeted
    Feb 2

    extremely suspicious that there's no information about brains that didn't come from a brain

  2. Retweeted
    Jan 31

    doctor: what brings you here today me: my car haha doctor: (writing in chart) "not sexually active"

  3. Retweeted
    Jan 16

    [confession] Parishoner: forgive me father for i have sinned Young Pope: *removes one earbud* what

  4. Retweeted
    Jan 15

    Woman: forgive me father for i have sinned Young Pope: hey whoa father was my father's name call me daddy Woman: Young Pope: say it

  5. Retweeted
    12 Jul 2014

    It was the best of times, it was the "feat. Pitbull" of times

  6. Retweeted
    Jan 9

    Are YOU a normal person, or a lunatic that everyone is just being nice to? We'll cover that and more tonight, in your mind, around bedtime

  7. Retweeted
    27 Dec 2016

    If Trump dies in office he won’t even admit it. He’ll keep tweeting from the grave: “VERY dishonest coroner’s report says I died. Sad!”

  8. 15 Nov 2016

    Pumped was able to remain unBILASed during this game. For some reason, honestly believes he attended Duke.

  9. 15 Nov 2016

    This is one of those games you'd rather watch on mute so you don't have to listen to . Oops, I mean

  10. Retweeted
    13 Nov 2016

    You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Unless you’re Blair Walsh, then you pretty much miss all the ones you do take too.

  11. 8 Nov 2016

    Let's just assume everybody voted and maybe call it quits with the "I voted" pics

  12. Retweeted
    6 Nov 2016

    Yes

  13. Retweeted
    4 Nov 2016

    Me: But the green m&m is a chick and everyone wants to fuck her, even humans. Alien: I asked where your leader is Me: im getting to it

  14. Retweeted
    9 Oct 2016

    i wrote a fake "two and a half men" script and i'm fairly certain its the only good thing ive ever done

  15. Retweeted
    16 Sep 2016

    Me: is a W two Vs holding hands Interviewer: i meant questions about the job Me: oh sorry I: plus everyone knows it's an M doing a headstand

  16. 1 Sep 2016

    So many dads in pleated khaki slacks, tucked in golf polos and roller bags at airport today. All of them dreaming about Labor Day grilling

  17. Retweeted
    26 Aug 2016

    Why would I keep perusing the dating site when there is this perfectly nice brick wall to slam my head against?

  18. Retweeted
    26 Aug 2016

    every time i think i've met the perfect girl it's three raccoons in a trench coat who rob me again

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